I am Wonder Woman, Hear Me Roar?

The beginning of this week was pretty discouraging. Nothing unusual or terrible happened, but I started my week fatigued which certainly didn't help. My allergies, work, the fact that I'm behind in correcting papers, my counseling session, lack of time to go the gym and lack of energy each morning was the cumulative weight that was enough to break the camel's back.

The allergies have been horrendous for the last four weeks-I take five medications to tame them. My students have been negligent in completing their work on time and make no excuses for it. I was away in Colorado and am now trying to catch up to the Hansel and Gretal paper trail of school work that could probably wrap around my portable five times. The young woman I am counseling seems to be stagnant in our counseling sessions which makes me wonder if I am even cut out to counsel. Then of course there's the lack of energy and time to do anything outside of work. Maybe it's the month of May and this is typical when the end of the school year is near. Or maybe I was just discouraged.

Now, if I were married, I think my first inclination would be to talk to my husband and tell him all about my feelings. I'd crave his comfort and wisdom probably before going to the Lord. He'd reassure me that everything would be okay, that these issues are magnified when we're exhausted, that I'm beautiful and that I'm adequate in everything I do, etc. It sure would be nice to have someone hide me under his wings and for him to be my personal advocate. Due to God's sovereignty, I do not have a husband and so, we leave "Door #1" closed-slammed shut without a key.

When I become downtrodden, my first inclination is get sucked into the hopelessness of it all. My demeanor changes and I feel drawn to somberness. I could be totally wrong here, but sometimes my body seems to mimic my emotions. It's as if I become more tired when I'm having a dismal day. I even want to bury myself into a hole or in my case, my classroom. If burying myself or wallowing in my misery doesn't help, I may resort to calling someone and get some sympathy from them. Unfortunately, it was a bit early to call (that day) and I don't want to burden that person. Lastly, I'll pray. It's not that I'm cutting myself off from having conversations with the Lord, but I can assure you that they're centered on me- not too much praising Him or beseeching Him for others' trials.

Wednesdays are always difficult for me because I work at Los Medanos College teaching a three-hour class after working with the high school students at Granada. This includes driving 32 miles to work in Livermore in the morning, 45 miles to Pittsburg after school and then another 20 miles home from LMC-it makes for a long day. On Wednesday, I was feeling pretty low in the morning when I arrived to school and before school started, I wrote in my prayer journal for ten minutes. I usually pray A.C.T.S. (adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication) to help keep my mind focused on Him. However, I didn't bother with A.C.T.S. that day as I was feeling an overwhelming sense of despair (and it was about me, after all), I just started writing about all of my hopelessness to the Lord. At the end, I even prayed to the Lord and asked Him for a little encouragement in some way. I then started work and went on with my day.

Did I biblically deal with my despair? I beseeched the Lord on my own behalf but I didn't take my thoughts captive right away. I didn't dwell on things that were noble, praiseworthy or even true. As I reflect on last Wednesday, I should've done this, and I should've done that, but I chose to "relish" in my sorrows for a bit. Why do I do this? Why didn't I just put on the full armor of God and snap out of it right away? Well,for one, I'm a sinner and Romans 7 speaks about our struggle with being in the flesh and doing what we don't want to do. Also, it didn't help to be so fatigued as my weaknesses that day were a Pixieland for Satan. He didn't mind that I was feeling inadequate about counseling or teaching-quitting is the only answer for getting rid of the inadequacy, right???!

If I had looked at what was true that morning, I wouldn't have felt so discouraged. What was true was that yes, I have stinkin' rotten allergies but it's not the end of the world. I at least have prescriptions that aid in relief while some don't even have benefits. It's not my issue if my students want to flake out on a project, my job is to do my best for the Lord and for my boss. Counseling someone does not mean that I can change their heart-that's God's job (who do I think I am? Lynda Carter for crying out loud?!!!) In regards to grading the reams of paper, the Lord is my strength and I can do all things through Him. For the lack of time, my job is to make the most out of my time by doing my best and bringing glory to Him. So easy when you are not in the midst of feeling hopelessness-that's why hindsight is 20/20. By the way, the Lord prompted a friend to randomly text me that afternoon with a kind word-His grace lavishly bestowed on me when I don't/didn't deserve it.

The next time I succumb to feeling discouraged, I need to STOP,FREEZE-reminds me of the game I played as a kid, "Freeze Tag". I MUST re-focus on Philippians 4:8 and then I MUST put it into practice and put on that full armor of God. I don't need a husband to be my shield or to hide me under his wings (it would definitely be nice) or even a friend to be a bullet-proof vest for me, my hope must be found in the Lord. My "Door #1" should be the Lord. After all, He is immortal,
just, compassionate, omniscient, comforting and wise, what else do I need? Not a husband.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.