Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

For those of you who know me, I exercise diligently but I don't particularly enjoy it. I like challenges and occasionally run 5K races. I abhor running-so much that I ran a marathon in March. I ran the marathon because I was taking a friend's place at the last minute, 19 days before the race to be precise-definitely not enough time to train for a marathon. I know it was kind of a crazy undertaking but it wasn't without prayer (practically the entire race) that I finished without stopping or walking. That was a total praise and accomplishment and I'm really thrilled that I ran the race. For a few weeks, I dealt with sore hip flexors and a huge blister that represented another toe. It goes without saying that I couldn't run for a couple of weeks and I exercised sparingly to let my body heal.

My body finally healed and I was able to run and workout regularly. Sadly, on May 1, my allergies and cold got so bad that I developed asthma. I took all of my medications to try to control the asthma. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I was put on Prednisone (a steroid) was I able to function again. I had concerns about taking Prednisone because I didn't want to add any extra weight. My doctor reassured me that I would only be on the steroid for twenty days and that weight gain would only be about one pound. Let's just say that my doctor was probably a bit too casual in her estimation because I look like I gained at least a pound in my face alone! Last week, my roommate got back from her trip to Hawaii and she said that my face looked like it had definitely swelled up.

Ugh, how discouraging-especially since I've been working out five to six times per week. When school got out for the summer, I started weight training and cardio at the gym. I've been spending about 90 minutes working out consistently in hopes that I can tone my body.

For much of last week, I was consumed with how I looked. I really felt that I had grown the "moonface" that Prednisone claims to do to people. On Saturday morning at 3or so, I was not only exhausted from lack of sleep, I felt despair and had a meltdown as I prayed to the Lord. I didn't want anyone to see me if I could avoid it. I really wanted to hide, it reminded me of Kramer (after his skin turned yellow and wrinkly from smoking) when he said in a Seinfeld episode, "I'm hideous, don't look at me." What was really bothersome was that I was concerned about what people thought of me: Oh it looks like she's put on some weight, tsk, tsk.
I felt like a failure and to use the Prednisone as an explanation seemed like an excuse.

This last weekend while I cooked at Girl Scout Staff Training, I asked some of the doctors and nurses there and they said that Prednisone's side effects are pretty common. They also said that it takes a while for the swelling to go down as well as the pounds to slough off. Unfortunately, the doctor also said that the appetite increases and I definitely felt that the first week. I really didn't put two and two together to realize that my increased appetite was from the Prednisone.

Over the years the Lord has really grown me when it comes to my body image. Am I completely content with how I look? Nope. However, I'm not obsessed with it like I used to. There was a time when I was consumed with the idea of being thin, thin, thin. I thought about it day and night. My eating habits were almost non-existent for a short phase in my life, I knew the calories and fat in all of what I ate and to not acknowledge that this was an idol of my heart would be a complete lie.

I for whatever reason, would say to myself, "If only I was thin..." What was I thinking? So what? Would all of my other problems dissipate because I was thinner? Nope. There was this notion in my head that thin people didn't have any problems. Laughable. How many perfect thin people do you or I know? None.

To absolve the feelings of inadequacies (about my body), I used to think, "If only I could get married and then I'd be okay, my husband would accept me the way I am." What naïveté! I know that single and married women struggle with this daily. Thankfully, I've matured a bit and realize that marriage is not the answer to all of life's problems. Actually, God is the answer to all of life's problems-He will take care of everything when we do our part and trust Him.

Spiritually, I need to examine my heart for any idols, look to the Lord for conviction during times that I don't use self-control and remember that God looks at the heart. It is the heart that pleases Him-not in how I look.

Physically, I need to do my best to stay healthy and make a conscious effort to eat in moderation-which I usually do (except the times I catered to my appetite the first week and a half on Prednisone).

Emotionally, I need to trust in the Lord. His timing is not my timing. He is not my magic wand to wave and say "Now, make my thighs smaller". I need to rest in Him and care about His thoughts toward me and make it my goal to please Him. When I look in the mirror, I need to give thanks even if I don't especially enjoy what I see.

Last Sunday, I went off the Prednisone and am hoping that my body will return to its previous state or to a more improved state. I know that spiritually, it's been a struggle to not get caught up or obsessed about it. It's also been difficult with trusting the Lord and to not become discouraged over it. However, I know that the Lord is sovereign. He has caused all of this to happen and now my job is to have a grateful heart and trust Him for results.


But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”-I Samuel 16:7


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.-Galatians 5:22-25

The King's daughter is all glorious within; Her clothing is interwoven with gold.-Psalm 45:13


So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.-I Corinthians 10:31


Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.-Psalm 73:25

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.-Ephesians 2:10

Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel Fine...

This is the first summer that I've actually looked forward to. Normally the end of the school year brings mixed feelings of sadness and happiness. Sadness, because I will miss my students and happiness because I will miss my students. This school year was different because even though I will miss seeing some of my students, I was really excited for the break since I had worked without a prep two thirds of the year. Additionally, there’s usually a bit of worry in the back of my mind because (with the exception of one year in my nine years of teaching) the prospect of having a job is always hanging in the air.

The subject I teach is kind of specialized and there aren’t many of us that teach it. In fact, I know who most of the teachers are in the Bay Area because I’ve met them or I have a mutual friend. Because the subject is fairly new in the high school setting, not all teachers are credentialed in the subject yet. Teaching this subject can be an advantage in a languishing economy because a principal wants the most experienced teacher to work for him in that one available position as opposed to hiring the newly credentialed teacher.

For those who don’t know the saga (Other than family and a couple of close friends, I have no idea who reads this blog), I’ve had credential issues with a mixture of budget cuts that keep me from holding on to my job. Every year it’s either a pink slip or it’s a “Sorry, due to your lack of credential in this area, you can’t come back because you’re not qualified to teach it.” When handling these things with HR at the district level, it’s hard not to be irreverent about it. If it was “Groundhog Day”*, it would be great to turn those thoughts into spoken words and say, “Come on, I just taught it this year for you and now I’m not qualified to teach it, are you serious? Common sense, people, do you have any?” However, it’s never “Groundhog Day” and I go home each summer conjuring ways to keep my job.

The summer of 2010 wasn’t any different except that it was one week before school was to start and I still didn’t have a job. I’d never cut it this close-I thought twelve days before school was kind of last minute to be hired, but what do I know? As some teachers dreaded spending that last week of summer on getting ready for school, I longed to prepare for the upcoming school year-at least I’d have a job. However, after meeting with my principal and HR, I had been told, “Sorry, there is no way you can teach unless you have a credential in this area” and this was six days before school started. My only option to teach was through the Regional Occupation Program (ROP) part time. Devastated and feeling hopeless, I was advised to apply for unemployment.

I remember sobbing and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t take care of myself-I now was going to depend on the U.S. government to supplement my income as I looked for a job. The prospect was frightening: How long would it take to get a full time job? How would I support myself? Would I be a good steward with my time? Would I budget appropriately? Would I be diligent in how I made my decisions? Would the Lord take care of me?

The emotions and thoughts just kept pouring in-like "Alice in Wonderland", I drowned in my own tears. I kept beseeching the Lord and fought discouragement and it wasn’t until I decided that I would make an attempt to trust my future in His hands. I know that sounds like a cliché but it isn’t when you have to do it. I mean, I really had to trust in the Lord for everything at this point. I had no other income. I didn’t have a savings account. I didn’t/don’t have a wealthy family. I don’t have a husband.

Up to this time, I had to trust the Lord every summer to provide a job for me which was becoming easier each year. However, there was one slight variable in the summer of 2010-I had exhausted almost all options in saving my job. I had to trust the Lord enough to go wherever He’d take me-even if it meant a career change. I started to accept the Lord’s sovereign hand in all of this and I was willing to do His will without digging my heels in.

So, five days before school started, I started looking forward to the part-time job and the opportunities that would arise from it. The peace I felt was incredible because the burden was on the Lord. If only I had relinquished all of my fears, stresses and burdens on my Heavenly Father earlier, I could’ve enjoyed my summer. Those sleepless nights could’ve been what my cats enjoy on an hourly basis all day. Those days of reading the Word could’ve been less myopic and more of a focus on Him. Those times of worry could’ve been times of encouragement to someone else. Obviously, I can’t go back and change what I did or didn’t do last summer and it doesn’t do the heart any good to dwell on the “would-have, could-have, should-haves”.

And the story doesn’t end. This just shows you that I am not God and that I should never, ever put Him in my own little box-more like a shoebox in my head. Two days later, (three days before school was to start) the district wanted to hire me because all of their interviewees for the job had committed to other school districts. I was the only eligible (and available) person for the position. The district was able to work reconcile all of my credential issues with the State of California and not only was I working 50% for ROP, I was working 75% for the district! My cup runneth over because of my abundant Provider.

This summer I plan on doing it right. I am going to be more carefree-I am going to enjoy the time off that the Lord has provided. I will make the most of my time but I will also rest when I need to. This time is a total gift from the Lord and I will try my best to be the best steward of what He has given me.

Yes , the variables have changed once again and I currently have not been re-hired. While I don’t want to be arrogant, I also want to be confident in the Lord too. He is a God of structure, order and consistency-He will take care of me and will provide all that I need even if it’s not in my timing or in my way. The Lord has taken care of much of my credential issues and the plan is for me to have a job for the school year 2011-2012. For now, while I do my part, I’m just waiting on Him.

For those of you who don’t have jobs, there are many us praying for you. Though this economy is wilting, God is not. He is a God of abundance and will provide all of your needs. This time may seem as if you’re in a desert but seek Him first and He will direct your paths.

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus-Philippians 3:13-14

Count it all joy, my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom,let him ask God,who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him-James 1:2-5

The trees of the LORD are watered abundantly, the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.In them the birds build their nests; the stork has her home in the fir trees.The high mountains are for the wild goats; the rocks are a refuge for the rock badgers. Psalm 104:16-18

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD-Isaiah 55:8

You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told-Psalm 40:5

* "Groundhog Day" is a movie about a weatherman who finds himself repeating the same day over and over again. As he repeats each day, he lives whatever way he wants and without any consequences for his actions.

Can We Have An Unlike Button, Please?

I like when people appreciate me. I mean, who doesn't like to be appreciated? I don't need a huge, public acknowledgement, but just a pat on the back, a word telling me or even a small gesture just to show that you care makes me feel appreciated.

Two weeks ago, I felt like the most-hated teacher because I had the nerve to make my students do work when the end of the school year was so close. Needless to say, I wasn't appreciated as a teacher-call me quirky, but I try to maintain a good work ethic until the very end. However, on the last day of school this week, I walked to my car in the school parking lot to find that my fourth and fifth period students created a huge sign that said I was amazing, their favorite teacher and they thanked me for a good year. I was so flattered and was really thankful that the Lord prompted them to do this for me.

Ironically, 30 minutes earlier, I did not have the same grateful attitude. Like a chameleon that changes colors based on its environment, my joy was dictated by my circumstances. Before I got to my car to find the beautiful sign, I attended our annual staff luncheon. Several teachers were acknowledged for their impact this school year. There was one group of teachers that was told to stand up because they had been given a "senior" cord by the 2011 graduating class to wear during graduation. These teachers were nominated by the students and it wasn't without a slight twinge of envy as I looked at some of the "popular" teachers who received this high honor.

What happened next is something I'm terribly ashamed of but I know if we were all honest with ourselves, we've all done it. My sinful heart produced an evil thought that came like the force of a train-there was no stopping it: Well, of course she would be chosen, she thrives on being popular. I mean, she goes out of her way to win over her students' hearts...Uh, yes that was my heart-disgusting, isn't it? My heart is so wicked and schizophrenic-I just know the PCL-R* would diagnose me as a psychopath**-there's no question about it!

Fortunately, my "psychopathic" heart has been regenerated, I've been washed by the blood of Jesus and my guilt is absolved. When I have these abominable thoughts, God is gracious enough to convict me of my secret cattiness without making it known to all. I am so thankful that He continually shows His compassion and faithfulness in working on His unfinished work (me) when I so deserve a whack on the head.

There's a praise song by Tommy Walker called "Only A God Like You" and I found myself singing the first line this week: For the praises of man, I will never ever stand...The line implies that we are devoted to the things/thoughts of the Lord and we shouldn't be concerned with man's thoughts towards us. I started to think, "Do I really live my life in this way?" I reflected on how often I check my Facebook status to look for a comment or an engaged "like" button or even this blog and it makes me wonder if my motivation is for the praises of man. I'm not going to lie, it feels great when someone thinks you're funny, or they approve of your status, comment or they just like you. However, it shouldn't be my modus operandi.

I am reminded of this passage "for they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God."(John 12:43) My actions are sometimes the same as the Pharisees and I must guard my heart from this idol. The praises of man should not be my main objective. I must remember that all I do is for God's glory. And while it's nice to be appreciated by others, my goal is to please the Lord, not man.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe-Proverbs 29:25

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty-Psalm 91:1

I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!-Psalm 34:1-3

Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!-Psalm 34:9


*PCL-R is an assessment used to determine if one is a psychopath
**I don't believe in psychopaths. Sinners, yes. Crazy, mentally deranged as a medical condition, yes. As long as the PCL-R is continually used to assess criminals, there is no hope for a regenerated heart.

Woe is Me, I think I'll Go Eat Worms or Something Like That

Since May 1, I've been dealing with almost unbearable allergies with some kind of flu or virus at the same time or separately. On top of that, I've developed asthma due to the allergies. After numerous calls to the Kaiser advice nurse, my doctor set up a phone appointment and prescribed yet another medication. Almost a week later, I emailed my doctor and told her that my asthma had worsened and to function at work was wearing me out. She immediately wanted to see me and check me for pneumonia. I knew that I didn't have that because I didn't have a fever but she prescribed a stronger inhaler to help with the asthma. Well, the bronchial spasms have dissipated but I have a different cough that throws my body into physical fits of writhing and contorting and my lungs sound like there is a demon fighting for expulsion. I haven't worked out in almost a week but I can assure you that my abs have been getting a nice little workout along with some cardio from my face turning beet red while in my possessed state.

This week has been physically taxing on me. I haven't slept well in a while and during the day at work, I am doing all I can to stay on top of things. When I get home, I do what is mandatory and then try to go to bed at a decent time. Last night, I went to bed at about 10:30 but had a hard time falling asleep because I was thinking about all of the stuff that I need to get done before school gets out. I knew that my day was going to be filled with reading 60 more papers and I was looking forward to it with dread. I eventually fell asleep but my night of sleep was not sound. In fact, I finally looked at the clock at 6:21 and prayed about whether I should or shouldn't get up to start those papers. I decided to get up about 10 minutes later and grade. Even though I graded intermittently until almost 10 a.m., the process was slow, my brain felt like mush and my eyes wanted to be closed. I took a break, coughed out more of my lungs and decided to freshen up with a shower.

After my shower, I had no desire to do anything but I thought, "I need to spend some time doing my devotions." It's not like I haven't read my Bible this week, but I certainly beat all of the deadlines of work, parent emails, grading, tried to get well, etc. and saved my time with the Lord to the end-which meant before bedtime which also means it's not always the best idea.

Today, when I wrote in my prayer journal (something I've been fairly faithful in doing so since I was 17), I felt such a sense of peace and even more crazy, felt a little rejuvenated. I'm not saying that the Lord's Word doesn't have this effect on us but I really try not to be a sensationalist when it comes to depending on our feelings for truth. I was reading Psalm 119 and trying to take in its theme: Rejoicing in the Lord's precepts and loving what is righteous. After reading other Psalms, I physically felt a little better and didn't feel so whipped-it was really weird.

I think when we are run down physically, mentally and emotionally, it is easy to succumb to those feelings of fatigue. Everything seems more exhausting than it truly is and it's easy to dwell on those things that are not pleasing to the Lord instead of His righteousness and rejoicing in His precepts. I don't think I was purposely dwelling on those things this week-I was just trying to survive. However, I'm not called to just survive-I mean, that's what a teacher does in her first year teaching, right? That's what some moms try to do while their husbands are at work when they are with the kids all day. That's what I sometimes do when I'm stuck in traffic on 680 and all I want to do is get home.

I believe that the Lord has higher standards for those of us who know Him. We are to be purposeful and proactive in our walk with Him. I don't ever remember reading a verse that says, "If you are feeling up to it, taste and see that the Lord is good" or "If you're really loving the Lord today, rejoice in the Lord always". These are imperatives, not conditionals (I know, I'm sounding like a language teacher aren't I?!) and to NOT follow them is (dare I say it?), disobedience before a holy, righteous God. I know it sounds extreme but Jesus was a radical during His time on earth and by today's standards, He would be considered a bigot. These are radical truths we must abide by on a daily basis.

I'm not trying to sound like I've got it all together because I definitely have so many areas in which I need to grow. I know that God has caused all of my spiritual growth and if it weren't through His constant prodding, I would be a stagnant, miserable, angry, single woman. Ten years ago, I would've have taken a hold of any opportunity when I felt overwhelmed or physically worn to indulge in a meltdown. The meltdown was usually one where I would focus on myself and I would say to myself, "See, this is what happens when you don't have a husband. You wouldn't be alone to deal with this misery, he would take care of you and you wouldn't have these feelings of inadequacy...blah, blah, blah". Sometimes these "little" episodes would turn into nuclear meltdowns and affect my core (my heart) to a point of seething, ungratefulness and they could last up to days.

How myopic can one be?!! Actually don't answer that. I know that as a single woman, it is easy to get in this mode. In fact, this can be an idol of my heart-it's called the "Eeyore Syndrome", okay, okay, it's not a real malady but I think it's pretty self-explanatory. The Lord brought it to my attention that "Hey, the world isn't out to get you, it's not about you and I'll do whatever I want because I'm sovereign". I had two choices: pout, with folded arms, pursed lips, haughty eyes and be a miserable wretch or embrace His plan for my life and aim to please Him with all that He has given me. I chose the latter but it's only to Him be the glory that He changed my focus back in 2004 (Read one of my earlier posts, "Great Expectations)

To anyone who is single out there (or married), let me encourage you to dig deep in the Word of God, spend time with Him and meditate on His precepts. Call on Him while He is near, look to Him for peace, strength, joy, patience-heck, these fruits will not be in your depraved heart! Be rejuvenated, exfoliate those feelings of discouragement and lather yourself in His grace. Taste and see that the Lord is good!

Psalm 119:1-Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the LORD!

Psalm 119:11 -I have stored up your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.

Psalm 111-112 -Your testimonies are my heritage forever,
for they are the joy of my heart.
I incline my heart to perform your statutes
forever, to the end.

Psalm 34:8 -Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Psalm 112:7 -He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.