As a counselor, you pray for the Holy Spirit to give you the words to say and to guide you throughout each session. And boy, when you aren't well-received, it's like being sucker punched. You question everything; the way you counsel, your motives and you fight discouragement. You even question if this ministry is your forte. But, as a counselee, it's hard when someone confronts you on something that is either embarrassing and shameful-becoming defensive is your natural M.O.
I hate confrontation of any sort. To me, it's not easy to do and it's not easy to take. I don't know which is worse, but they both cause me some sort of angst. Over the years, the Lord has been teaching me to not immediately put my guard up and defend myself. I'm not cured of this horrible "Disease of Defense", but I've been trying to humble myself so that I can learn from the one who is confronting me. Instead of excusing myself to the person who is confronting me, I'm trying to appreciate their reasons, take it to heart and examine myself to see if real change needs to take place. Argghh, so hard to do. It almost makes my stomach curdle thinking about it.
However, you know what I've been struggling with more? Being the one who needs to confront. As a teacher, I am constantly torn between confronting students or ignoring issues. For me, it would be easier to just let things go. Sometimes, the problem doesn't go away and worsens because I didn't address it in the first place. Sometimes, the problem is such a sensitive topic that in my mind, it might be better left unsaid so that there isn't any conflict or hurt feelings. I've been wary of this in my own heart because while I want to be at peace with all men, I want to be balanced and not avoid them.
This subject of confrontation has been on my mind of late. It's not that I have someone in mind that I need to confront, but because I tend to avoid confrontation rather than approach the person. There are a plethora of reasons for my steering far, far away from confronting someone, but I've been wondering if it's been as beneficial as I originally intended it to be. These are just a few, to start:
1) Fear. I sometimes fear what others will think of me. I fear how they will react and if they will be mad at me if I confront them. What if I lose them as a friend? We are called to fear God and need to be consumed with what He thinks of us-not man. If someone becomes angry with us, or our ties are broken when we've confronted them, we need to remember that God is sovereign in all relationships and all situations.
2) Inconvenience. Confronting them may be inconvenient and there hasn't been a "right" time to speak with them on the subject. While there is a time for everything and wisdom in where and when to broach an issue with a person, we should make the best effort to pursue that right time.
3) Failure to trust in the Lord for the outcome. Sometimes, I can get in the mode of, "What difference will it make, they aren't going to change?" Oh come on, isn't our God in the heart-changing business? What if God put it on our hearts to approach this person?
4) Ruffling of feathers. What if we get into a fight? What if they are defensive? What if our friendship/relationship is ruined. Who wants to rock the boat when it is sinking? No one ever wants to do this but we need to have courage and speak the truth in love.
5) Going to the other extreme of not wanting to offend or appear judgemental. I'd prefer someone to say, "Hey, your nose is running, go get a Kleenex" rather than walking on eggshells so as not to hurt my feelings. None of us are perfect, but we are to encourage each other in our walks-if this means confronting, we can't shy away from it. If confronting is from a heart of love, then it's not judgemental.
6) Sucking it up. I'll just suck up the offense and move on, except this doesn't always bode well when you have an excellent memory such as mine. Even if we were personally hurt, we are called to absorb the injury-love is long-suffering. Loving is confronting, not avoiding.I'm not saying to pounce on someone every time they offend you- we are also called to be gentle and patient with everyone.
While I need to address my own sins before confronting someone, I need to also examine my motives before doing so. Am I confronting because I genuinely want them to become more sanctified or do I just want them to stop offending me? If it's for the latter reason, then I am confronting for the wrong reasons.
I've been thinking about my lack of confronting and I shamefully admit that I am motivated by self-love rather than love for that person. As a Christian, I'm supposed to come alongside, edify, hold accountable and LOVE that person so that they can grow in their walk-not watch as they stumble and fall and hope that they catch themselves.
We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God-Romans 15:1-7
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ-Galatians 6:2
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others-Philippians 2:4
And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all-1 Thessalonians 5:14
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
