Change Is Not Always Welcomed

Today, while cleaning, I had two mini accidents. I was putting some t-shirts in a plastic bin on the shelf at the top of my closet. While doing so, the bin came crashing down onto my cheek narrowly missing my eye. Even though my cheek was red for a couple of hours, it quickly healed. Later, while washing the mandolin, I cut my finger on the blade. Once the the bleeding was controlled, a Band-Aid was used to protect the cut. I am amazed at the body's ability to quickly recover from an injury or wound. When the body does not swiftly heal from a simple cut, this may be a tell-tale sign of cancer or some other type of disease. I'm not a doctor or scientist, but I do know this: the body goes through a sequence of changes in order for complete healing to occur. And this change is good.

In talking to my students this week, I challenged them with a question: Who have you known longest in this class and how do you know them? I could hear my students rattle off to each other how they remembered someone in kindergarten or when they were at daycare together. A couple of them talked about being best friends in the third grade and when I asked if they were still best friends, they kind of shrugged and said that they didn't know why they weren't anymore or that the other person had moved, etc. However, I know that if I had spoken to them one-on-one, they would feel more free to be honest and say that their best friend had changed and that was the reason they weren't best friends anymore. And this change is not good.

My personality is not prone to accepting change. I like people to be consistent. I don't like to age. I could barely buy a new car in 2010 without feeling some sadness for my Isuzu Rodeo. I can't explain it, but my very being grates at the thought or mention of change. When I was a teenager, I remember wishing that we still lived in an era where innocence was virtuous and immorality was less indulged in and frowned upon- just like those movies and TV shows in the 1950s.

I'm not sure as to why I've been thinking about change of late, but I suspect that it may be due to my 35th birthday next month. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not even a young woman anymore-I'm a full-fledged adult. It's all very strange because I look at childhood friends and all I see is change. They are married with young kids and appear to have lived a full life. For me, I still feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Does my future contain marriage or not? And while I've grown to accept that perhaps God's plan is different than what I had planned, I was suddenly hit with the fact that if I do not marry, having children is out of the question for me.

I will admit that the prospect of not reproducing was kind of grievous to me and if I didn't write about this, I wouldn't be honest with my readers. I don't ever want to portray that I have it all together and that I'm perfectly at peace with where God has me in my life because that would be a bald-face lie. Meg Ryan in the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" declared that your biological clock doesn't start ticking until you're 36 but I hardly call a movie line credible. It's not that I long to go through the process of giving birth, I really think I was struck with the fact that my biological clock is a-tickin'. I just can't believe how old I am getting-I'm not sure that I like this change.

I look at my mom and I remember how she had six kids at just 30 years old. Is that crazy or what? I can't believe it and yet if I had my first kid now, I'd be 53 by the time they'd graduated from high school. If they were my age now, I'd be 70-ugh. If I don't stop, my imagination will get the best of me.

Just like many women, my imagination can turn into a downward spiral of "what ifs?" and take my focus off what is really true. And so, I have to recognize that indulging my imagination is not bringing God glory in any way because He is a God of Truth. When I indulge my imagination, I tend to focus on myself and miss the needs of others but most importantly, I'm not focusing on the One who created me before the foundation of the world. I'm not focusing on the One who knew every inch of His plan for me before my imagination could even dream of it. I'm not focusing on the One who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. I'm not focusing on the One who makes the best changes in the world: the transformation of a sinful, evil heart into a redeemed and loving heart. And this change is good.

I've realized that dwelling on what may or may not happen in my future is detrimental to my spiritual growth because it is self-centered. God has my best interest at heart and of course in the end, it boils down to trusting Him and delighting in His ways. Yes, delighting in His ways and not wallowing in what I don't have. If the Lord wants me to marry, all glory is His. If the Lord wants me to have kids, all glory due His name. If the Lord wants me to be single, it is for His glory. My joy shouldn't change just because my circumstances change.

I want to resolve for nothing else but Jesus Christ and if that means saying "Soli Deo Gloria" by being Marian the Librarian for the rest of my life, then so be it.

Anyway with God, anything is possible and that will never change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever-Hebrews 13:8

‘Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you-Jeremiah 32:17

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?-Jeremiah 32:27

Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”-Genesis 18:14

then you shall take delight in the LORD,

and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;

I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,

for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”-Isaiah 58:14

For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty

and lift up your face to God-Job 22:26

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”-Matthew 19:26

An Investment For The Future

When I was a kid, I enjoyed the "Where's Waldo?" books and not only searched eagerly for Waldo, but for the other objects on the given list for each page. And while it was a challenge for me to search for those objects, I didn't give up because I knew that with patience and perseverance, I'd find them. These books made me realize how observant I am.

I find it amazing how God has made each person unique. For me, He has made me an observant person. It seems that I notice EVERYTHING and nothing rarely goes unnoticed. If you interview my students, they may say that I have a knack for spotting prohibited cell phone texting in my classroom. Today, while on a homebound plane from Colorado, I saw a man pull his dentures out of his mouth and then quickly stick them in his pocket when he was getting up from his seat, did anyone else see that???!

Unfortunately, I also am witness to scenes that make me sad. While I was awaiting my ride at the airport last week, I noticed this old man with his daughter- in-law and her two young children. Her husband pulled up in the car and the old man was eagerly trying to pack the car with the large suitcases. His son was trying to get the kids into their carseats and said to his dad, "Settle down, Dad. We'll take care of the suitcases in a minute." The old man sheepishly stood there and all of a sudden, I felt so sorry for him. I'm not sure why, but my heart hurt for him.

This kind of stuff happens to me all of the time. I'll witness something as benign as that and I'll be moved to tears for no apparent reason. I think one of the reasons I feel sad is that mankind can be so vulnerable and is lost, without a lifeline to cling to. As I've grown spiritually, studied theology and deepened my relationship with the Lord, I've realized that if you've invested in this life on earth, you will be sorely disappointed. You will be hopeless. You may even become bitter because your expectations haven't been met.

Since it's Good Friday, I was ruminating on the fact that Jesus, who was both God and man, (something I don't fully understand but believe it by faith) understands what it's like to feel sadness, despair, hopelessness, grief, rejection,frustration, pain, etc. And yet, He was without sin. I cannot count the times where I've mocked the idea that Jesus can relate to my pain-I mean, how would He know what it's like to be "so old" and not married? How can He know the suffering I face each day when I drive in traffic? How can He understand the annoyance of handling finances and other responsibilities day in and day out? How can He relate to the physical pain when I experience my frequent headaches? This was what my thoughts du jour looked like at a miserable period in my life-a self-focused phase. Like the claw in the arcade machine that grabs the stuffed animals, (only to quickly drop it) is my understanding of the Cross and its cruelty.

The Gospel message is simple: Believe (put your absolute trust in Him, not yourself) in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved. The Cross is NOT simple. The Cross was the cruelest punishment known to mankind and yet, Christ humbled Himself and died the death of a thief or murderer. In every way, Jesus' life here on earth and His death on the Cross means that He is able to sympathize with every plight we experience during our lifetime.

Jesus was "so old" and died a single man, He understands loneliness. He understands what it's like to be without romantic love. Jesus did not drive in traffic, but He understands what it means to commute and the length of time to get from one point to another. Jesus may not have held a steady job or income, but He does understand the implications of money and its hold on people. Jesus understands the daily responsibilities because He not only worked with Joseph each day, He carried out His Father's plan by seeking the lost and healing the lame-and I thought that dealing with 100+ personalities a day was hard. A headache compared to the Cross? Jesus may have had the ultimate migraine from the physical aspect of hanging AND He didn't have modern day medications to assuage the pain.

If I shortsell or foreclose on the Cross-I diminish its value and I treat it like the American Dollar. But, if I treasure Christ's work, His suffering, His sacrifice and His love for me, His blood is purer than gold. His work on the Cross covers my past, the present and all of my future sins-where in the world can you find something that doesn't depreciate or break down over time? The question I must daily ask myself is: What am I investing in? Am I investing in living in the now or am I banking on spending eternity with Christ, my Savior, my God, the Prince of Peace, the Comforter, Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father?

The Cross is not something I should relish only on Good Friday or Easter. Observing the Cross and Christ only during this time of the year will hinder me from knowing Him personally or His love for me. Rather, I need to focus on it daily so that I can pick up my own cross and follow Him. Following Him means that I must zoom in on Him and fade out all distractions that may lead me astray- and this is not easy for an observant girl like myself.

Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people-Hebrews 2:17

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin-Hebrews 4:15

For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh-Romans 8:3

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God-2 Corinthians 5:21

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—Galatians 3:13

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed-1 Peter 2:24

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed-Isaiah 53:5