Linus and That Stupid Blanket

On my way to work one day this week, I spotted a woman in the carpool lane re-entering the lanes with those of us stuck in traffic. Whenever I see drivers zig-zagging in and out of the carpool lane, I always check to see if they are alone. In this case, this woman was alone and in my rightness-oriented mind, I couldn't help but shake my head. I've always wanted to go in the carpool lane as a single driver, but never have done so outside of the hours I am allowed to. As I drove alongside this woman, I noticed that she had a blanket up to her nose and she kept re-adjusting it which then triggered a sense of curiosity and suspicion on my part. As I passed her, I kept watching her in my rearview mirror and I thought that perhaps she was changing her shirt. However, this blanket-up-to-the-nose thing continued and I purposely slowed down so that she could drive alongside me again. I couldn't believe what I saw: she was sucking her thumb while holding her tattered blanket! 

If you asked Freud, Jung or Maslow to analyze this woman's odd habit, they'd all probably say she had an oral fixation, that she was insecure and that she didn't bond to her mother when she was an infant. All of the answers may be a possibility, but it got me thinking about an even deeper issue of her heart. We all know that babies either have a pacifier, thumb, blanket or all three and those are a source of comfort that bring about security. I remember when I sucked my thumb until I was six and oh, it was so hard to give up. However, when an adult sucks their thumb, it seems odd because they "should've" given that up when they were kids. The fact of the matter remains in all our hearts: we all long for security. 

I've talked about this before but with today's economy, there is no better time to focus on the want of security. Many of those who thought that they had a forever job have experienced downsizing in their company, loss of business and paycuts. Businesses, small and large have closed. Many homes are going into foreclosure or residents are short selling. I recently read that 49% of the population that live in a household, are on some kind of government assistance. Families can't even fill their gas tank to capacity because gas prices are egregiously high. And you know what is the only security? gold. The price of gold per ounce has risen and yes, we should all trade in any gold that we have for cash. 


I remember a time when I naively thought that cutting hair will always attract customers despite the woes of the economy because everyone has hair. Ha! There are so many people who have learned to cut their own hair so that they can save instead for their groceries or gas. 

What gives you security? A husband? A wonderful marriage? A job with benefits? A good relationship with your kids? Your friends? Your bank account? Your hobbies? A bar of gold? Love? Politics? Your family? Your talents? Happiness? Satisfaction? Pride? Confidence? Belief in yourself? If only I...fill in the blank.


I'm not perfect and while I would like to be, I sometimes find my security in things, in people-temporal, fleeting and failing. I'm not sure why I do this because I know the truth and the Source of security. As a Christian, I must daily remind myself that all my hope is in Christ. My security AND satisfaction must be bound in Him alone. 

You can't have security unless you find satisfaction in something. I'll even go further and say it: you can't have security unless you have satisfaction in Christ. What does it mean to have full satisfaction in Christ? It means that your joy is made complete because you relish Him. You delight in His ways and your devotion is fully to Him. John Piper says,  "The longing to be happy is a universal human experience, and it is good, not sinful. We should never try to deny or resist our longing to be happy, as though it were a bad impulse. Instead we should seek to intensify this longing and nourish it with whatever will provide the deepest and most enduring satisfaction. The deepest and most enduring happiness is found only in God." 

I love what George Mueller says about happiness: "The point is this: I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord. The first thing to be concerned about was not, how much I might serve the Lord, how I might glorify the Lord; but how I might get my soul into a happy state, and how my inner man might be nourished. For I seek to set the truth before the unconverted, I might seek to benefit believers, I might seek to relieve the distress, I might in other ways seek to behave myself as it becomes a child of God in this world; and yet, not being happy in the Lord, and not being nourished and strengthened in my inner man day by day, all this might not be attended to in a right spirit."*

Sometimes life is mundane and it laborious to always desire God. However, we are called to cultivate our relationship with the Lord by reading His Word, praying and worshiping Him. My heart needs to be molded to His will (not to my busy schedule) and as John Piper says, "He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him". To write such words are not cliche, I earnestly seek this. God will never disappoint and His security is top-notch!

         On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God-Psalm 62:7 

         Blessed is the man

who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

but his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree

planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

and its leaf does not wither.

In all that he does, he prospers.-Psalm 1:1-3 

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days-Psalm 90:14 



Incline my heart to your testimonies,
and not to selfish gain!-Psalm 119:36


if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail-Isaiah 58:10-11 




*(Autobiography of George Mueller, compiled by Fred Bergen, [London: J. Nisbet Co., 1906], pp. 152-154].

My Soul Belongs To God, I know

With every new class that I teach, in my introduction, I always explain in the end (as if it was an afterthought), that I'm available and looking for a husband. Usually, my students get a good laugh because it's not expected on the first day that they meet me. And then of course, I also make it known that I am not open to dating their single dads. Well, now it's my students' mission to either find me a husband, get me involved in the dating world or set me up with some guy they know. "Miss Csider, we need to get you on eHarmony.com or Christianmingle.com or plentyoffish.com" or "Miss Csider, we'll make a profile for you on Christianmingle.com".


Since this subject comes up with friends or acquaintances quite often, I thought I would explain why I'm not interested in online dating---at this time. I realize that times have changed and more singles have used the internet as a means to put themselves out there to increase their chances of meeting their soul mate. I've met several couples who've had success with online dating and have even married. Yes, I'm an old-fashioned girl and if I did get married, I might even wear a long-sleeved wedding gown because I'm traditional. However, being an old-fashioned girl is not what keeps me from online dating. I simply don't feel called to by God. I realize that for some, this is such a foreign concept-to be called by God. However, I am confident that God has me just where He wants me. I could be wrong, but I don't have a compelling urge to join any online dating services right now. I'm not saying that I am committed to this stance forever because I always want to be open to whatever God has in my life. 


I realize that there are some who lack the same kind of faith I have and I know this faith is not my own. In other words, I believe that God has given me the spiritual gift of faith and so this is nothing in which I can boast as my own accomplishment. No matter how foolish the Cross may sound to an unbeliever, it makes perfect sense to me. Even if I may question God and His ways, I am reassured that His ways are not my ways and there is no need for me to be in the know about everything. For whatever reason, trusting the Lord in everything is almost natural for me. 


There are some people who doubt God and who He is and there are even some Christians who struggle with unbelief. George Mueller defined such faith as follows: "Faith is the assurance that the things which God said in His Word are true; and that God will act according to what He has said in His Word. This assurance, this reliance on God's Word, this confidence, is Faith." My heart aches for those that struggle with unbelief and trust. 


I get it, there are some who don't believe in God or rest in the fact that pulling yourself up by your bootstraps  will guarantee satisfaction and success. But, what happens when those bootstraps become worn from all that pulling? I only know for myself that when I march to my own drum, I end up tooting my own horn and don't give the Conductor the credit that He deserves.


And these are the times where I've had to remind myself of God's truths, His attributes and His ways and not to continue putting faith into my own ways.  I've learned to find satisfaction in His ways and where He has me in life at this time-no online dating is needed-for now. As Jean Valjean sings in Les Miserables, "My soul belongs to God I know", not any soul mate at this time. And, I'm okay with that.


For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls-1 Peter 2:25 


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope-Jeremiah 29:11 


His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire-2 Peter 1:3-4 


And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus-Philippians 4:19


Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,


for those who fear him have no lack!-Psalm 34:9 


For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
 the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
 from those who walk uprightly-Psalm 84:11 

Change Is Not Always Welcomed

Today, while cleaning, I had two mini accidents. I was putting some t-shirts in a plastic bin on the shelf at the top of my closet. While doing so, the bin came crashing down onto my cheek narrowly missing my eye. Even though my cheek was red for a couple of hours, it quickly healed. Later, while washing the mandolin, I cut my finger on the blade. Once the the bleeding was controlled, a Band-Aid was used to protect the cut. I am amazed at the body's ability to quickly recover from an injury or wound. When the body does not swiftly heal from a simple cut, this may be a tell-tale sign of cancer or some other type of disease. I'm not a doctor or scientist, but I do know this: the body goes through a sequence of changes in order for complete healing to occur. And this change is good.

In talking to my students this week, I challenged them with a question: Who have you known longest in this class and how do you know them? I could hear my students rattle off to each other how they remembered someone in kindergarten or when they were at daycare together. A couple of them talked about being best friends in the third grade and when I asked if they were still best friends, they kind of shrugged and said that they didn't know why they weren't anymore or that the other person had moved, etc. However, I know that if I had spoken to them one-on-one, they would feel more free to be honest and say that their best friend had changed and that was the reason they weren't best friends anymore. And this change is not good.

My personality is not prone to accepting change. I like people to be consistent. I don't like to age. I could barely buy a new car in 2010 without feeling some sadness for my Isuzu Rodeo. I can't explain it, but my very being grates at the thought or mention of change. When I was a teenager, I remember wishing that we still lived in an era where innocence was virtuous and immorality was less indulged in and frowned upon- just like those movies and TV shows in the 1950s.

I'm not sure as to why I've been thinking about change of late, but I suspect that it may be due to my 35th birthday next month. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not even a young woman anymore-I'm a full-fledged adult. It's all very strange because I look at childhood friends and all I see is change. They are married with young kids and appear to have lived a full life. For me, I still feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Does my future contain marriage or not? And while I've grown to accept that perhaps God's plan is different than what I had planned, I was suddenly hit with the fact that if I do not marry, having children is out of the question for me.

I will admit that the prospect of not reproducing was kind of grievous to me and if I didn't write about this, I wouldn't be honest with my readers. I don't ever want to portray that I have it all together and that I'm perfectly at peace with where God has me in my life because that would be a bald-face lie. Meg Ryan in the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" declared that your biological clock doesn't start ticking until you're 36 but I hardly call a movie line credible. It's not that I long to go through the process of giving birth, I really think I was struck with the fact that my biological clock is a-tickin'. I just can't believe how old I am getting-I'm not sure that I like this change.

I look at my mom and I remember how she had six kids at just 30 years old. Is that crazy or what? I can't believe it and yet if I had my first kid now, I'd be 53 by the time they'd graduated from high school. If they were my age now, I'd be 70-ugh. If I don't stop, my imagination will get the best of me.

Just like many women, my imagination can turn into a downward spiral of "what ifs?" and take my focus off what is really true. And so, I have to recognize that indulging my imagination is not bringing God glory in any way because He is a God of Truth. When I indulge my imagination, I tend to focus on myself and miss the needs of others but most importantly, I'm not focusing on the One who created me before the foundation of the world. I'm not focusing on the One who knew every inch of His plan for me before my imagination could even dream of it. I'm not focusing on the One who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. I'm not focusing on the One who makes the best changes in the world: the transformation of a sinful, evil heart into a redeemed and loving heart. And this change is good.

I've realized that dwelling on what may or may not happen in my future is detrimental to my spiritual growth because it is self-centered. God has my best interest at heart and of course in the end, it boils down to trusting Him and delighting in His ways. Yes, delighting in His ways and not wallowing in what I don't have. If the Lord wants me to marry, all glory is His. If the Lord wants me to have kids, all glory due His name. If the Lord wants me to be single, it is for His glory. My joy shouldn't change just because my circumstances change.

I want to resolve for nothing else but Jesus Christ and if that means saying "Soli Deo Gloria" by being Marian the Librarian for the rest of my life, then so be it.

Anyway with God, anything is possible and that will never change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever-Hebrews 13:8

‘Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you-Jeremiah 32:17

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?-Jeremiah 32:27

Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”-Genesis 18:14

then you shall take delight in the LORD,

and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;

I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,

for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”-Isaiah 58:14

For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty

and lift up your face to God-Job 22:26

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”-Matthew 19:26

An Investment For The Future

When I was a kid, I enjoyed the "Where's Waldo?" books and not only searched eagerly for Waldo, but for the other objects on the given list for each page. And while it was a challenge for me to search for those objects, I didn't give up because I knew that with patience and perseverance, I'd find them. These books made me realize how observant I am.

I find it amazing how God has made each person unique. For me, He has made me an observant person. It seems that I notice EVERYTHING and nothing rarely goes unnoticed. If you interview my students, they may say that I have a knack for spotting prohibited cell phone texting in my classroom. Today, while on a homebound plane from Colorado, I saw a man pull his dentures out of his mouth and then quickly stick them in his pocket when he was getting up from his seat, did anyone else see that???!

Unfortunately, I also am witness to scenes that make me sad. While I was awaiting my ride at the airport last week, I noticed this old man with his daughter- in-law and her two young children. Her husband pulled up in the car and the old man was eagerly trying to pack the car with the large suitcases. His son was trying to get the kids into their carseats and said to his dad, "Settle down, Dad. We'll take care of the suitcases in a minute." The old man sheepishly stood there and all of a sudden, I felt so sorry for him. I'm not sure why, but my heart hurt for him.

This kind of stuff happens to me all of the time. I'll witness something as benign as that and I'll be moved to tears for no apparent reason. I think one of the reasons I feel sad is that mankind can be so vulnerable and is lost, without a lifeline to cling to. As I've grown spiritually, studied theology and deepened my relationship with the Lord, I've realized that if you've invested in this life on earth, you will be sorely disappointed. You will be hopeless. You may even become bitter because your expectations haven't been met.

Since it's Good Friday, I was ruminating on the fact that Jesus, who was both God and man, (something I don't fully understand but believe it by faith) understands what it's like to feel sadness, despair, hopelessness, grief, rejection,frustration, pain, etc. And yet, He was without sin. I cannot count the times where I've mocked the idea that Jesus can relate to my pain-I mean, how would He know what it's like to be "so old" and not married? How can He know the suffering I face each day when I drive in traffic? How can He understand the annoyance of handling finances and other responsibilities day in and day out? How can He relate to the physical pain when I experience my frequent headaches? This was what my thoughts du jour looked like at a miserable period in my life-a self-focused phase. Like the claw in the arcade machine that grabs the stuffed animals, (only to quickly drop it) is my understanding of the Cross and its cruelty.

The Gospel message is simple: Believe (put your absolute trust in Him, not yourself) in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved. The Cross is NOT simple. The Cross was the cruelest punishment known to mankind and yet, Christ humbled Himself and died the death of a thief or murderer. In every way, Jesus' life here on earth and His death on the Cross means that He is able to sympathize with every plight we experience during our lifetime.

Jesus was "so old" and died a single man, He understands loneliness. He understands what it's like to be without romantic love. Jesus did not drive in traffic, but He understands what it means to commute and the length of time to get from one point to another. Jesus may not have held a steady job or income, but He does understand the implications of money and its hold on people. Jesus understands the daily responsibilities because He not only worked with Joseph each day, He carried out His Father's plan by seeking the lost and healing the lame-and I thought that dealing with 100+ personalities a day was hard. A headache compared to the Cross? Jesus may have had the ultimate migraine from the physical aspect of hanging AND He didn't have modern day medications to assuage the pain.

If I shortsell or foreclose on the Cross-I diminish its value and I treat it like the American Dollar. But, if I treasure Christ's work, His suffering, His sacrifice and His love for me, His blood is purer than gold. His work on the Cross covers my past, the present and all of my future sins-where in the world can you find something that doesn't depreciate or break down over time? The question I must daily ask myself is: What am I investing in? Am I investing in living in the now or am I banking on spending eternity with Christ, my Savior, my God, the Prince of Peace, the Comforter, Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father?

The Cross is not something I should relish only on Good Friday or Easter. Observing the Cross and Christ only during this time of the year will hinder me from knowing Him personally or His love for me. Rather, I need to focus on it daily so that I can pick up my own cross and follow Him. Following Him means that I must zoom in on Him and fade out all distractions that may lead me astray- and this is not easy for an observant girl like myself.

Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people-Hebrews 2:17

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin-Hebrews 4:15

For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh-Romans 8:3

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God-2 Corinthians 5:21

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—Galatians 3:13

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed-1 Peter 2:24

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed-Isaiah 53:5

I Say A Little Prayer For You

When I was a kid and if something was troubling me, my mom would almost without fail say, "Well, did you pray about it?" A few years ago, my youngest sister Lydia was too scared to stay alone in her bedroom one night. So, Lydia went to Natalie's room (Natalie's eight years older than Lydia) and Natalie told her to get out. However, before Lydia turned around to leave, Natalie said, "Did you tell Mom, what did she say?" Lydia said, "Mom said to pray and trust the Lord". Without missing a beat, Natalie said, "Well, trust the Lord and get out of here."

My family always gets a kick out of that memory when we reminisce about it. Even though Nat really didn't want to be bothered by her "kid" sister, there was some truth in what she said about trusting the Lord and going to Him for everything. I remember my mom always telling her friends and complete strangers that she was praying for them. Sometimes, when my dad came home from work and told her a story about a struggling co-worker, my mom would ask him if he told them that he was praying for them. My dad would say that he did pray for his co-worker, but neglected to tell them because he wasn't as vocal as my mom about it.

Recently, the topic of prayer has been on the forefront of my mind because I was in two situations with a group of Christians that made me uncomfortable. The first incident was during our prayer request time at one of my Bible studies. Usually, we spend 30 minutes gathering requests and then praying. I know that we can go to God at any time and He expects that from us, but does He care about etiquette when it comes to group prayer?

I'm not being legalistic, but it does seem that there is a time and place when presenting your prayer requests before a group-especially if the group is of mixed company and it is not clear if some are true followers of Christ or if there are some still searching. For example, I wouldn't share something intimate and personal in a group because it can cause people to squirm with discomfort and it's not necessary for others to know except someone who is close to me. It seems that while God is not usually concerned with etiquette as the Pharisees were, He is concerned with the heart of the person.

I love telling stories and sometimes they can become long-winded ( my family would say, "Sometimes???") but that doesn't mean it's necessary to share all of the details. I know that I've been convicted about trying to shorten my time so that I don't take someone else's prayer request time. And yes, my stories and requests are significant to me, but they aren't necessarily edifying to those around me and it begs the question, am I pleasing the Lord or do I just enjoy listening to myself because someone gave me an imaginary mic? Again, I'm not trying to be legalistic,but when I hear someone give a ten-minute prayer request and story, it's sometimes hard for me not to roll my eyes in my mind and struggle with the urge to look at my watch. I should be mindful of the same and get the log out of my own eye.

The other incident that occurred was when our leader stated that our prayer requests should be ones only of the gravest concerns. He said that God has given us what we need right now at this time and that if we are to present our requests, it should be those that are of dire needs. I sat there bewildered and wondered about those verses that state that we are to pray unceasingly, that we are present our requests to God, and that when we are troubled, we are to seek Him. I understood what our leader was saying, but it also conveyed the message that God is only concerned with the big requests in our life. When our leader told us this, I think the group didn't present their requests because they weren't sure if it was "worthy" of asking the Lord. I think what he intended was that during the short prayer time in our group, we should present meaningful and thoughtful prayer requests. He wanted us to be more concerned with the heart issues of our friends/family than their physical conditions. Thankfully, the next week that we met, even our leader presented a request that wasn't grave in nature and it opened the doors for others to share. This was another time where prayer within a group called for etiquette and consideration.

I don't care what anyone says about prayer, it is NOT easy and it is laborious. Prayer takes discipline, trust and humility. Without these three, it is difficult to have a meaningful and close relationship with the Father. For me, I pray for the "silliest" things and I also thank the Lord for the "insignificant" things as well. If I need to feel cool while running, it is not unusual to ask the Lord for a gust of wind. If I've found a close parking space at Costco, I'll find myself praying aloud, "thank you Lord." God wants us to have such a relationship with Him that we can "casually" ask Him or thank Him for something. After all, "Abba, Father" means dad or daddy.

When I was a kid, I always thought of my dad as the protector of our family and nothing could get by him. In the same way, God is my protector and He is for me, He has my best interest at heart. My job is to trust Him and know that His ways will always be the solution. When I've laid my heart's desires, struggles, sins and requests at His feet, they are not mine to bear. In order for me to do this freely, I have to remind myself of the truths and attributes of God. I must remember that whatever will happen is already known by the Lord and that my responsibility is to either trust Him for the future or succumb to my own emotions and attitude. This I know, when I trust Him, I am physically and emotionally well.

As I've matured in Christ, my requests have decreased and my adoration and thanksgiving has increased. God has softened my heart to be more purposeful in bringing praise to who He is rather than what He done for me. He has also made the Cross real to me and whatever pain I experience (even this pesky wisdom tooth that recently has surfaced and is constantly poking my cheek), either emotionally or physically, it is nothing compared to the death of Jesus.

If you've ever struggled with praying, let me encourage you and remind you that prayer is like our need for oxygen. We MUST pray and be in constant communion with the Lord or we may have shortness of breath, or stagnation in our walk with Him. So, just as Steven Curtis Chapman sings:

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way

Every moment of the day, it is the right time

Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven.

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,

for his wondrous works to the children of man!

Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,

and praise him in the assembly of the elders-Psalm 107:28-32

Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it-John 14:13-14

praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,-Ephesians 6:18

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus-Philippians 4:5-7

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind-James 1:6

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord-James 5:13-14

Occupying Disneyland

This weekend I went to Disneyland with 16 other family members including some of the nephews and nieces under age four. We ended up having a nice time but it was not without fatigue at the end of the day. I thought that going in February, on a non-holiday weekend, would be a great way to avoid the crowds. I was wrong. I also thought that going during a recession may keep some people at home and we'd have less lines. Wrong again. The day started off with getting in line and ended in line. Everywhere we went, we were in lines-to park, to the tram, to the security line, to the admission gate, to the rides, to the stores, to the concession stands, 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.-all day it was like this. Why in the world do they call it, "The Happiest Place on Earth"?!

The end of the night was the worst because Disneyland puts on a fireworks show and they close off certain areas of the park. You can't walk on the streets of Disneyland because Disneyland Occupy resides there. Disneyland Occupy is a large crowd of people (probably close to a million) who eagerly await the fireworks show (or the parades) and camp out until the big show begins-sans the tents. So, for those of us who enjoy the rides and shops, this is an absolute nightmare to get from one place to the other. If you decide to walk against the direction of the herded cattle, don't forget to bring your paper bag for the panic attack that may ensue. By the end of the night, when your feet and toes look like sausages, your neck aches from whiplash, you're thirsty and dodging one more stroller may put you over the edge, all you want to do is leave "The Happiest Place On Earth".

When I finally got into bed last night at the hotel, I mulled over the events of the day. I was praying and Disneyland was the last straw that broke my spiritual back. My heart was totally convicted and while I know this aspect of myself, I really hated it last night as I lay in bed. I am an impatient person.

In my head, I've thought of myself as a patient person-somewhat at least. When I started to delve on what it means to be patient, I realized that I need a lot of work in one particular area. I understand what it means to be long-suffering and I try to apply this to my heart. "Short-term suffering" is an area of weakness for me.

Yesterday, while riding Autopia (According to Disney's website:"Take the wheel and whirl around the tracks of Autopia, a fun-filled roadway where you can both be the driver of your own small car and get glimpses of things from the car's perspective!") with my two year old niece at the wheel (my legs were slightly longer for the accelerator), there were signs along the track that warned not to bump other cars. Well, at the end of the ride, while we patiently waited for the people in front of us to get out of their car, some junior high boy thought it would be funny to ram his car into ours. Of course I got whiplash as I caught Haddie from hitting the side of the car. Needless to say, I was perturbed. My sister and sister-in-law saw the whole thing happened and commented that I probably would not be very happy and would get a headache. As I got out of the car with Haddie, I heard him brag to his friend about ramming into my car and how funny it was, blah, blah, blah. Even though I did get a headache, I was struck with how predictable I am-even my family knew how I'd react. I definitely wasn't patient and in my mind, I wanted to know what parents raised this punk.

Later on, while standing in line just to get a drink (at least 20-30 minutes), I was with my roommate, Megan, and I said to her, "Why is it taking so long? How hard is it to get the order when everything is pre-made, my goodness, come on..." I wasn't trying to complain, I was definitely not happy with the situation and she said, "You need to be patient, you are not patient." After that, I started to ponder all of the situations in my life where "short- term suffering" was not ingrained in me.

I feel impatient when sitting in traffic every day. I feel impatient when I have to repeat myself to someone who wasn't listening or couldn't hear what I said. I feel impatient when someone is not working as quickly as they could to serve me-i.e. gas station, post office, grocery store-any place where there is a line.

I hate to admit it, but I sometimes live my life as though Burger King's motto, "Your Way, Right Away" is true for me. In my heart or aloud, I've grumbled because things aren't going exactly how I've planned. Harry L. Krauss Jr. says it this way in his book, "Domesticated Jesus":

"If I live my life according to the gospel, I won't hold any rights as absolute. Anything good that comes my way is a consequence of grace. Anything bad, well, I should be getting hell, so nothing quite compares with that. If I find myself angry and tempted to lash out, in essence I'm saying that I'm not as bad as I really am. I deserve the thing that's being denied to me. I'm downplaying my need for the cross and shaking a fist in the face of the One who died to save me."

As I laid in bed last night, I was moved to confessing my sinful heart to the Lord. I realized that it is not the end of the world if I don't get my way. It is not the end of the world if I don't get to bed on time. It is not the end of the world if I get home later. It is not the end of the world if I'm late or if I have to stand in the longest line in the world. These things are not a tragedy and my response should be one of patience.

Even though any type of long suffering is not enjoyable, I struggle more with the inconveniences of everyday life. It is far easier for me to acknowledge that God is sovereign when we suffer long term. I'm not sure why this is, but I know that God causes everything to happen for whenever and whatever He wants. He doesn't want me to respond with a heart of gold only when experiencing a long trial, but through every moment of the day.

So, another thing for me to work on spiritually. I'm looking forward to that one day where "I'll fly away O Glory"-I won't have any more struggles and I will be in the Happiest Place in the Universe-hands down.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace-Ephesians 4:1-3

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,-Colossians 3:12

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant-

1 Corinthians 13:4

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law-

Galatians 5:22-23

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all-

1 Thessalonians 5:14

“The times we find ourselves having to wait on others may be the perfect opportunities to train ourselves to wait on the Lord.” ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

“If I have not the patience of my Saviour with the souls who grow slowly; if I know little of travail (a sharp and painful thing) till Christ be fully formed in them, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” ~ Amy Carmichael

Wrinkles and Lines and Headaches-Oh My!

Do you ever look into the mirror and say, "Wow, I'm old"? Maybe this is happening more often as I see the wrinkles and lines that have taken up residence on my face. It makes me wonder what wrinkles are biological and which ones are from stress and anxiety.

I wouldn't file myself into the "Worry-er" genre but I definitely couldn't be in the "Trust in God Completely" genre either. I'm somewhere in between called, "Tension Headaches Due to Not Resting in God's Sovereignty".

My family and close friends know that headaches are kind of a way of life for me. I get headaches when I'm tired, if I'm congested, if my hormones are fluctuating, if I'm hungry, if I'm sore, if I'm hot and if I'm stressed. It's been this way since I was a kid and I don't know any different except that I'm not a huge fan of them. For some women, crying is the way their body handles changes or if they're stressed. I guess it's not unusual to have some kind of physical reaction to what life has in store for us. But is it necessary, can we avoid the physical reactions?

I think I would have less headaches if I trusted God completely. I know the truth about God, God is sovereign in everything and nothing happens without His hand being in it, so, why should I worry? The song "Why should I worry? Why should I care?" from the Disney movie, "Oliver and Company" automatically plays in my head-what else would you expect from a soundtrack junkie? Even though I wouldn't identify myself as a control freak, my behavior sometimes dictates that I need to have my hand-no, my little pinky involved in every aspect of my life. My behavior shows that I struggle with relinquishing control and relying on whatever God has ordained the outcome to be.

As I reflect on the last couple of weeks, I can see so many instances where trusting the Lord didn't come naturally and instead, worry was the comfort for me. I even noticed this week that I had gotten bogged down in the turmoil of this world. Being a Christian in this world is hard. We have a leader in our country who cares more about his ego being stroked rather than what is right and moral for the country. We have agenda after agenda being thrown in our face and not only that, we're told that tolerance is no longer the buzz word, it's affirmation- embrace the sin that reigns in this world. If I don't agree with you, I am hateful and judgmental. But, if you don't agree with me, that's your prerogative. It can be pretty discouraging.

I can have two responses when it comes to trusting the Lord with these things: 1) Truly trust Him, or, 2) Live in a bubble. Shielding myself from the things of this world is not only unrealistic, it's not pleasing to God because I am not reaching to those in need of a Savior. When I choose to live in this way, I am selfishly basking in comfort and not stretching myself to know the authenticity of trusting the Lord. So, I must choose door number one-trust Him, trust Him completely. This world is only temporary and while it sometimes feels that God is not doing his fair share (another buzz word) to protect us, I must dwell on the fact that He is ALWAYS at work. I must trust and dwell on the fact that God's plan is going just as He said it would.

Another area of concern was my finances and if I was graded on trusting the Lord, I would earn a D+, definitely not passing in my book. Last week, I was having a casual conversation with the pastor at my church and we were talking about the recession and the housing market. I told him that my home was sold to me for $265,000. and it is now worth $69,000. If I dwell on this, I have no equity in my home and I'm paying quadruple its value plus interest. Is this bothersome? YES. At this point though, I can't dwell on our economic recession and who knows if it will get better? (God knows) But this I know, I have been called to be wise with my finances, make good on my promise and finally, my home is really NOT my home-it's temporary and in the end, who cares? When I die, I'm going before the Lord without my possessions.

Recently, I was talking to a Christian student and she was telling me that she is analytical about everything and I thought, who isn't? How can you not be analytical in a world where information is absorbed by osmosis? And drumroll please, the next buzz word is, Over-analyze- (I have fond memories of watching Groucho Marx's Word of the Day on "You Bet Your Life" as a kid). In counseling or in talking to people or students, they'll say, "I tend to over-analyze things..." In fact, when my student said that she is analytical and thinks about everything, I asked her if what she was doing was pleasing to the Lord. For me, over-analyze is a euphemism for worry. This week in particular, there were a couple of incidents at school where I "over-analyzed" my response to the situations and instead of trusting the Lord that I responded in the right way, I worried. My over-analyzing caused great angst and my imagination blinded my ability to see truth. Oh how I could have had the peace that transcends all understanding and instead, I got a bad headache.

In all three examples where I should've rested in the Rock, I dabbled in worry. I chose to not dwell on the truths that I've learned, read, know and memorize. The truths where God is my hope, He is for me, who can be against me?, His courts are better for one day than a thousand elsewhere, He can turn the heart of the king like channels of water, He is the light of my salvation, He is my fortress, He is my refuge-how can anyone worry when these truths are ingrained in us? Argghh, I do the very things I do not want to do!

But God.

His mercies are new every morning. (Great is His faithfulness)

We do not lose heart because, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day!

And so, today is the day the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. Whatever troubles may arise, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.-1 Corinthians 15:58

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. - II Corinthians 4:7-18

For God alone my soul waits in silence;

from him comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.-Psalm 62:1-2

For a day in your courts is better

than a thousand elsewhere.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of wickedness.-Psalm 84:10