Striving for a Heart Like Butter

When you are 34 years old, still single and you experience a dry spell of dating, it’s not unusual to wonder two things: 1) Will I ever get married and is the single life meant for me? 2) What’s wrong with me? Rather than to ruminate on whether or not it is God’s will for me to be married, I will focus on what’s wrong with me.

Other than the fact that I’m seriously flawed- a sinner saved by grace, I can’t pinpoint why I am still single. Recently, I was having lunch at a friend's house with people from church that I didn't know. After being introduced to a married man and his wife, he asked me why I wasn’t married. What a question! I couldn’t answer him completely, but this I know: God has me in this place and while I could be in a holding pattern, I may have also reached my destination. So, the question is not “What is wrong with me?” but “How can I change?”

I know that some people are defensive or it may "grate" on their pride to have someone bring to their attention areas where spiritual growth is needed. However, one of the benefits of marriage is to have a godly spouse who will hold you spiritually accountable. While it may hurt to be told that you’re lacking somewhere spiritually, you at least know that you were told out of love. Marriage also brings a sense of security knowing that your spouse still loves and accepts you even when you’re in need of a heart change.

When you’re single, it can be difficult to see your own spiritual weaknesses and it’s not uncommon for family or close friends to hold you accountable. When I’ve had a family member or close friend gently show me where I need spiritual maturity, it’s hard not to feel embarrassed, defensive or outright indignant. Over the course of the years, I’ve had to work on having a teachable heart and to be receptive to my family and friends so that I don’t perceive that I’m being personally attacked or that I’m a victim. I need to remember that when someone confronts me, they are truly being a friend to me-they are telling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. While it sometimes feels that the accountability may be out of spite or malice, I must remember that it is out of love and that God ordains these confrontations to occur.

On the other hand, there are times when that family member or friend says something that is not totally true. Instead of arching my back like a cat, I have found it easier to be humble and prayerfully go to the Lord about it; I know He will faithfully convict my heart and cause true change if I need it. The Lord has been faithful to get me to this place even though I know I still need improvement here.

Yesterday morning, I was doing my devotions and while I was praying “A.C.T.S.”*, I was stuck on the area of confession. I kept wondering if there was sin in my heart since retreating to bed and waking up. For a brief second, I thought, “I haven’t had much time to sin, how could it be possible in such short a time?” I sometimes forget that all of those “little” sins count too. Oh, you mean when I had that horrible thought about someone, that was sin? Oh, you mean when I thought that I was so great when I completed that task, that was my pride rearing its ugly head? Due to my spiritual blindness to my sin, I prayed and asked the Lord to examine my heart and to show me. Do you know what? We have a faithful and compassionate God! By the end of praying, He brought to my attention an area that indeed needed attention and confession. While I’d love to believe that I’m practically perfect in every way, I know that God is continually sanctifying me daily-there’s kind of a need for Him to do this.

When confronting our sins, it is important to be honest about them-I can’t have an attitude of “Oh well, if the Lord wants change, He’ll make it happen”. While this is partially true, we also have the responsibility to work out our salvation so that change can take place. I am learning (slowly) that if I am honest about my sin and truly want change, the Lord will make it possible for the sin to either disappear completely or that I will have such an aversion to it, temptation to avoid it becomes stronger.

My life as a Christian is not hunky dory, nor should I want it to be this way. I must strive for spiritual maturity and have a desire for the Lord to change my heart even if I may be initially hurt when I’m confronted. So, during this holding pattern of the single life or if singleness is my final destination here on earth, I need to continue to be faithful in softening my heart for His ways-not my ways.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another-Proverbs 27:17

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy-Proverbs 27:6

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you-James 4:10

One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor-Proverbs 29:23

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!-Psalm 139:23

Prove me, O LORD, and try me; test my heart and my mind-Psalm 26:2

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure-Philippians 2:12-13

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it-Philippians 1:6

*A.C.T.S. is a tool you can use when praying and is modeled after "The Lord's Prayer". A is for adoration, C is for confession, T is for thankfulness and S is for supplication.