Woe is Me, I think I'll Go Eat Worms or Something Like That

Since May 1, I've been dealing with almost unbearable allergies with some kind of flu or virus at the same time or separately. On top of that, I've developed asthma due to the allergies. After numerous calls to the Kaiser advice nurse, my doctor set up a phone appointment and prescribed yet another medication. Almost a week later, I emailed my doctor and told her that my asthma had worsened and to function at work was wearing me out. She immediately wanted to see me and check me for pneumonia. I knew that I didn't have that because I didn't have a fever but she prescribed a stronger inhaler to help with the asthma. Well, the bronchial spasms have dissipated but I have a different cough that throws my body into physical fits of writhing and contorting and my lungs sound like there is a demon fighting for expulsion. I haven't worked out in almost a week but I can assure you that my abs have been getting a nice little workout along with some cardio from my face turning beet red while in my possessed state.

This week has been physically taxing on me. I haven't slept well in a while and during the day at work, I am doing all I can to stay on top of things. When I get home, I do what is mandatory and then try to go to bed at a decent time. Last night, I went to bed at about 10:30 but had a hard time falling asleep because I was thinking about all of the stuff that I need to get done before school gets out. I knew that my day was going to be filled with reading 60 more papers and I was looking forward to it with dread. I eventually fell asleep but my night of sleep was not sound. In fact, I finally looked at the clock at 6:21 and prayed about whether I should or shouldn't get up to start those papers. I decided to get up about 10 minutes later and grade. Even though I graded intermittently until almost 10 a.m., the process was slow, my brain felt like mush and my eyes wanted to be closed. I took a break, coughed out more of my lungs and decided to freshen up with a shower.

After my shower, I had no desire to do anything but I thought, "I need to spend some time doing my devotions." It's not like I haven't read my Bible this week, but I certainly beat all of the deadlines of work, parent emails, grading, tried to get well, etc. and saved my time with the Lord to the end-which meant before bedtime which also means it's not always the best idea.

Today, when I wrote in my prayer journal (something I've been fairly faithful in doing so since I was 17), I felt such a sense of peace and even more crazy, felt a little rejuvenated. I'm not saying that the Lord's Word doesn't have this effect on us but I really try not to be a sensationalist when it comes to depending on our feelings for truth. I was reading Psalm 119 and trying to take in its theme: Rejoicing in the Lord's precepts and loving what is righteous. After reading other Psalms, I physically felt a little better and didn't feel so whipped-it was really weird.

I think when we are run down physically, mentally and emotionally, it is easy to succumb to those feelings of fatigue. Everything seems more exhausting than it truly is and it's easy to dwell on those things that are not pleasing to the Lord instead of His righteousness and rejoicing in His precepts. I don't think I was purposely dwelling on those things this week-I was just trying to survive. However, I'm not called to just survive-I mean, that's what a teacher does in her first year teaching, right? That's what some moms try to do while their husbands are at work when they are with the kids all day. That's what I sometimes do when I'm stuck in traffic on 680 and all I want to do is get home.

I believe that the Lord has higher standards for those of us who know Him. We are to be purposeful and proactive in our walk with Him. I don't ever remember reading a verse that says, "If you are feeling up to it, taste and see that the Lord is good" or "If you're really loving the Lord today, rejoice in the Lord always". These are imperatives, not conditionals (I know, I'm sounding like a language teacher aren't I?!) and to NOT follow them is (dare I say it?), disobedience before a holy, righteous God. I know it sounds extreme but Jesus was a radical during His time on earth and by today's standards, He would be considered a bigot. These are radical truths we must abide by on a daily basis.

I'm not trying to sound like I've got it all together because I definitely have so many areas in which I need to grow. I know that God has caused all of my spiritual growth and if it weren't through His constant prodding, I would be a stagnant, miserable, angry, single woman. Ten years ago, I would've have taken a hold of any opportunity when I felt overwhelmed or physically worn to indulge in a meltdown. The meltdown was usually one where I would focus on myself and I would say to myself, "See, this is what happens when you don't have a husband. You wouldn't be alone to deal with this misery, he would take care of you and you wouldn't have these feelings of inadequacy...blah, blah, blah". Sometimes these "little" episodes would turn into nuclear meltdowns and affect my core (my heart) to a point of seething, ungratefulness and they could last up to days.

How myopic can one be?!! Actually don't answer that. I know that as a single woman, it is easy to get in this mode. In fact, this can be an idol of my heart-it's called the "Eeyore Syndrome", okay, okay, it's not a real malady but I think it's pretty self-explanatory. The Lord brought it to my attention that "Hey, the world isn't out to get you, it's not about you and I'll do whatever I want because I'm sovereign". I had two choices: pout, with folded arms, pursed lips, haughty eyes and be a miserable wretch or embrace His plan for my life and aim to please Him with all that He has given me. I chose the latter but it's only to Him be the glory that He changed my focus back in 2004 (Read one of my earlier posts, "Great Expectations)

To anyone who is single out there (or married), let me encourage you to dig deep in the Word of God, spend time with Him and meditate on His precepts. Call on Him while He is near, look to Him for peace, strength, joy, patience-heck, these fruits will not be in your depraved heart! Be rejuvenated, exfoliate those feelings of discouragement and lather yourself in His grace. Taste and see that the Lord is good!

Psalm 119:1-Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the LORD!

Psalm 119:11 -I have stored up your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.

Psalm 111-112 -Your testimonies are my heritage forever,
for they are the joy of my heart.
I incline my heart to perform your statutes
forever, to the end.

Psalm 34:8 -Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Psalm 112:7 -He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.