Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

For those of you who know me, I exercise diligently but I don't particularly enjoy it. I like challenges and occasionally run 5K races. I abhor running-so much that I ran a marathon in March. I ran the marathon because I was taking a friend's place at the last minute, 19 days before the race to be precise-definitely not enough time to train for a marathon. I know it was kind of a crazy undertaking but it wasn't without prayer (practically the entire race) that I finished without stopping or walking. That was a total praise and accomplishment and I'm really thrilled that I ran the race. For a few weeks, I dealt with sore hip flexors and a huge blister that represented another toe. It goes without saying that I couldn't run for a couple of weeks and I exercised sparingly to let my body heal.

My body finally healed and I was able to run and workout regularly. Sadly, on May 1, my allergies and cold got so bad that I developed asthma. I took all of my medications to try to control the asthma. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I was put on Prednisone (a steroid) was I able to function again. I had concerns about taking Prednisone because I didn't want to add any extra weight. My doctor reassured me that I would only be on the steroid for twenty days and that weight gain would only be about one pound. Let's just say that my doctor was probably a bit too casual in her estimation because I look like I gained at least a pound in my face alone! Last week, my roommate got back from her trip to Hawaii and she said that my face looked like it had definitely swelled up.

Ugh, how discouraging-especially since I've been working out five to six times per week. When school got out for the summer, I started weight training and cardio at the gym. I've been spending about 90 minutes working out consistently in hopes that I can tone my body.

For much of last week, I was consumed with how I looked. I really felt that I had grown the "moonface" that Prednisone claims to do to people. On Saturday morning at 3or so, I was not only exhausted from lack of sleep, I felt despair and had a meltdown as I prayed to the Lord. I didn't want anyone to see me if I could avoid it. I really wanted to hide, it reminded me of Kramer (after his skin turned yellow and wrinkly from smoking) when he said in a Seinfeld episode, "I'm hideous, don't look at me." What was really bothersome was that I was concerned about what people thought of me: Oh it looks like she's put on some weight, tsk, tsk.
I felt like a failure and to use the Prednisone as an explanation seemed like an excuse.

This last weekend while I cooked at Girl Scout Staff Training, I asked some of the doctors and nurses there and they said that Prednisone's side effects are pretty common. They also said that it takes a while for the swelling to go down as well as the pounds to slough off. Unfortunately, the doctor also said that the appetite increases and I definitely felt that the first week. I really didn't put two and two together to realize that my increased appetite was from the Prednisone.

Over the years the Lord has really grown me when it comes to my body image. Am I completely content with how I look? Nope. However, I'm not obsessed with it like I used to. There was a time when I was consumed with the idea of being thin, thin, thin. I thought about it day and night. My eating habits were almost non-existent for a short phase in my life, I knew the calories and fat in all of what I ate and to not acknowledge that this was an idol of my heart would be a complete lie.

I for whatever reason, would say to myself, "If only I was thin..." What was I thinking? So what? Would all of my other problems dissipate because I was thinner? Nope. There was this notion in my head that thin people didn't have any problems. Laughable. How many perfect thin people do you or I know? None.

To absolve the feelings of inadequacies (about my body), I used to think, "If only I could get married and then I'd be okay, my husband would accept me the way I am." What naïveté! I know that single and married women struggle with this daily. Thankfully, I've matured a bit and realize that marriage is not the answer to all of life's problems. Actually, God is the answer to all of life's problems-He will take care of everything when we do our part and trust Him.

Spiritually, I need to examine my heart for any idols, look to the Lord for conviction during times that I don't use self-control and remember that God looks at the heart. It is the heart that pleases Him-not in how I look.

Physically, I need to do my best to stay healthy and make a conscious effort to eat in moderation-which I usually do (except the times I catered to my appetite the first week and a half on Prednisone).

Emotionally, I need to trust in the Lord. His timing is not my timing. He is not my magic wand to wave and say "Now, make my thighs smaller". I need to rest in Him and care about His thoughts toward me and make it my goal to please Him. When I look in the mirror, I need to give thanks even if I don't especially enjoy what I see.

Last Sunday, I went off the Prednisone and am hoping that my body will return to its previous state or to a more improved state. I know that spiritually, it's been a struggle to not get caught up or obsessed about it. It's also been difficult with trusting the Lord and to not become discouraged over it. However, I know that the Lord is sovereign. He has caused all of this to happen and now my job is to have a grateful heart and trust Him for results.


But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”-I Samuel 16:7


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.-Galatians 5:22-25

The King's daughter is all glorious within; Her clothing is interwoven with gold.-Psalm 45:13


So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.-I Corinthians 10:31


Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.-Psalm 73:25

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.-Ephesians 2:10