Change Is Not Always Welcomed

Today, while cleaning, I had two mini accidents. I was putting some t-shirts in a plastic bin on the shelf at the top of my closet. While doing so, the bin came crashing down onto my cheek narrowly missing my eye. Even though my cheek was red for a couple of hours, it quickly healed. Later, while washing the mandolin, I cut my finger on the blade. Once the the bleeding was controlled, a Band-Aid was used to protect the cut. I am amazed at the body's ability to quickly recover from an injury or wound. When the body does not swiftly heal from a simple cut, this may be a tell-tale sign of cancer or some other type of disease. I'm not a doctor or scientist, but I do know this: the body goes through a sequence of changes in order for complete healing to occur. And this change is good.

In talking to my students this week, I challenged them with a question: Who have you known longest in this class and how do you know them? I could hear my students rattle off to each other how they remembered someone in kindergarten or when they were at daycare together. A couple of them talked about being best friends in the third grade and when I asked if they were still best friends, they kind of shrugged and said that they didn't know why they weren't anymore or that the other person had moved, etc. However, I know that if I had spoken to them one-on-one, they would feel more free to be honest and say that their best friend had changed and that was the reason they weren't best friends anymore. And this change is not good.

My personality is not prone to accepting change. I like people to be consistent. I don't like to age. I could barely buy a new car in 2010 without feeling some sadness for my Isuzu Rodeo. I can't explain it, but my very being grates at the thought or mention of change. When I was a teenager, I remember wishing that we still lived in an era where innocence was virtuous and immorality was less indulged in and frowned upon- just like those movies and TV shows in the 1950s.

I'm not sure as to why I've been thinking about change of late, but I suspect that it may be due to my 35th birthday next month. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not even a young woman anymore-I'm a full-fledged adult. It's all very strange because I look at childhood friends and all I see is change. They are married with young kids and appear to have lived a full life. For me, I still feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Does my future contain marriage or not? And while I've grown to accept that perhaps God's plan is different than what I had planned, I was suddenly hit with the fact that if I do not marry, having children is out of the question for me.

I will admit that the prospect of not reproducing was kind of grievous to me and if I didn't write about this, I wouldn't be honest with my readers. I don't ever want to portray that I have it all together and that I'm perfectly at peace with where God has me in my life because that would be a bald-face lie. Meg Ryan in the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" declared that your biological clock doesn't start ticking until you're 36 but I hardly call a movie line credible. It's not that I long to go through the process of giving birth, I really think I was struck with the fact that my biological clock is a-tickin'. I just can't believe how old I am getting-I'm not sure that I like this change.

I look at my mom and I remember how she had six kids at just 30 years old. Is that crazy or what? I can't believe it and yet if I had my first kid now, I'd be 53 by the time they'd graduated from high school. If they were my age now, I'd be 70-ugh. If I don't stop, my imagination will get the best of me.

Just like many women, my imagination can turn into a downward spiral of "what ifs?" and take my focus off what is really true. And so, I have to recognize that indulging my imagination is not bringing God glory in any way because He is a God of Truth. When I indulge my imagination, I tend to focus on myself and miss the needs of others but most importantly, I'm not focusing on the One who created me before the foundation of the world. I'm not focusing on the One who knew every inch of His plan for me before my imagination could even dream of it. I'm not focusing on the One who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. I'm not focusing on the One who makes the best changes in the world: the transformation of a sinful, evil heart into a redeemed and loving heart. And this change is good.

I've realized that dwelling on what may or may not happen in my future is detrimental to my spiritual growth because it is self-centered. God has my best interest at heart and of course in the end, it boils down to trusting Him and delighting in His ways. Yes, delighting in His ways and not wallowing in what I don't have. If the Lord wants me to marry, all glory is His. If the Lord wants me to have kids, all glory due His name. If the Lord wants me to be single, it is for His glory. My joy shouldn't change just because my circumstances change.

I want to resolve for nothing else but Jesus Christ and if that means saying "Soli Deo Gloria" by being Marian the Librarian for the rest of my life, then so be it.

Anyway with God, anything is possible and that will never change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever-Hebrews 13:8

‘Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you-Jeremiah 32:17

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?-Jeremiah 32:27

Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”-Genesis 18:14

then you shall take delight in the LORD,

and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;

I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,

for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”-Isaiah 58:14

For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty

and lift up your face to God-Job 22:26

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”-Matthew 19:26