The Full Armor of Me is Not Enough

I've always thought of myself as mentally tough and emotionally strong. I'm not sure why I've exuded this confidence but it's as if I'm constantly wearing a bulletproof vest around my heart. And it's not that I have a cold heart of stone, instead it's a quasi attitude of imperviousness-like nothing can bother me.

This week, I learned that if I am truly scared, I cry like a baby. The fear I experienced was not to be consoled by any "self pep talk" no matter how much I tried. There was no "mind over matter" in this situation. I had no one to physically cling to and had to rely on prayer, I dislike how I treat prayer-as if it's the last resort. I don't literally think it's the last resort because I pray all of the time. However, how many times have I said to someone, "All I can do is pray about it"?

Last Tuesday, I was flying home from Denver, Colorado. It usually takes a little over two hours to get home, no biggie. I don't mind flying if it's not too long-Colorado is an easy trip. Since I was flying Southwest, I checked in the usual 24 hours before to see if I was able to get "priority" seating. If you're lucky enough, you can get in the "A" line.

The "A" line means that you're going to be the first 60 to board the plane and you can most likely get whatever seat you prefer. Typically, I like to get seats in the front of the plane for a faster exit but I usually sacrifice an elbow or two because I am almost ALWAYS sitting in the middle of two people.

For this trip, I and my roommate were a little slow in checking in, about 10 minutes late and we each got a "B" seat. Okay, not bad as long as Megan had a window seat and enough room to stretch her legs. Well, once we reached our terminal, I insisted on eating our lunch in the food court because I was hungry and I thought we had enough time before our departure. I was wrong. Southwest decided that efficiency and being punctual was important on Tuesday and all "A", "B" and "C" lines had already boarded the plane-we were the stragglers, the slackers, the last few Hansel and Gretels to board. I apologized to Megan because I knew it was my fault for not boarding sooner and the fact that it was a full flight didn't help. I silently prayed for something and I saw an open window seat up ahead only to find that some little kid was occupying the seat. We pushed our way through the aisle only to see not only were we going to the back of the plane but no window seats were to be found. What the heck? Where are all of these people going and why are there so many kids on this flight? It seemed as if this was an orphanage field trip!

Megan and I found aisle seats but a few rows back from each other. I sat by some kid with his mom (I guess he wasn't an orphan) and she sat by a young married couple. When I looked back at Megan, I mouthed an apology for my negligence and tardiness in boarding the plane, got my book out, and we took off. Within the next half hour, I was ready to deplane because I had experienced the worst turbulence of my life. Yes, of my life.

During the first few minutes of turbulence, the "orphans" were "oohing and ahhing" as if it was a roller coaster. I was thinking, "Okay, enough. I'm done." However, it got worse. The plane made several abrupt dips, tipped side to side as if it was a balance and I looked around to see if anyone else was as scared as I was-it was just quiet-except for some giggling from the kids behind me. I looked back at Megan and mouthed that I was scared. Tears filled my eyes because it felt as if the turbulence was never going to end. I felt nauseous, my hands shook and I started to get a headache from bobbing up and down. I felt as if I couldn't take any more turbulence and kept crying and praying for it to end. I really don't know how long the turbulence lasted, but my nerves and emotions were shot for the rest of the day.

Looking back, I wonder the reasons for my extreme fear. Did I think I was going to crash? I do remember praying as I white-knuckled the arms of my seat, "Lord, I don't want to die right now". I think crashing was definitely possible in my mind and of course that would be scary. Maybe it was the possibility of suffering physically and emotionally should I live from the crash. Maybe it was the fear of the unknown-the fact that I didn't have control of the situation was very difficult to relinquish into the Father's hands. Whatever my fear, I definitely failed in trusting the Lord.

When I told the Lord that I didn't want to die just yet, I wondered about my heart. It came to my mind that I've made myself comfortable here on this earth and I'm not suffering enough to leave it willingly. A Christian who has been ill with cancer knows what it's like to desire a place other than "heaven on earth" because they've endured physical suffering. A Christian martyr knows that the earth is not to be embraced because they know what it's like to give it all for their faith and worship the Lord with all of their heart; they are ready to be rid of this earth because they've suffered emotionally and physically and heaven is their only refuge. I have been spoiled and I must remember that where I currently live is temporary and it's not to be treasured. While I'm not going to beg for suffering, I'm must try to not balk at the trials that the Lord does give me.

When I fear the unknown, it's not an irrational fear. It's very real, but it's one where I'm fighting for control. I never thought of myself as one who is a control freak but I definitely do have some tendencies towards wanting control. Over the years, I've learned that my way isn't always right and I don't have to demand my way in order to feel right with this world. God has taught me that His ways are best and when I submit to Him, I experience a peace that transcends all understanding. When I am stressed, I get frequent headaches and I know that if I just lay all of my fears, worries, anxieties-everything at His feet, He will take care of it all in His own way and timing and my body will relax.

Another thought came to mind when I was on this plane: pride. I sometimes pride myself (I'm not always aware of it) that I can do things by myself or that I can console myself or that I can "tough" it out. I have a talent for guarding myself from showing my emotions in the name of "being strong". While powerless on this plane, it would've have been nice to have a husband's hand to grab or Megan's hand to hold for that matter. However, it could've been on purpose that I was sitting near no one I knew and that the Lord wanted me to depend solely on Him and yet, I failed in doing just that.

What's wrong with me?? Did I forget that I was human? Sometimes, I forget that trusting the Lord doesn't mean I won't experience fear-I can't beat myself up for not having the perfect emotion in my attempt to trust Him. However, I know that resting in His sovereignty brings tranquility to my heart-there is no need to fret about the future when it comes to the ways of the Lord.

I've learned that no matter the situation, it's okay to be afraid and to cry-there's no need to put on my armor before the Lord or anyone. However, I still need to trust Him with whatever plans He has for my life because I can do all things through HIM, not me.


Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication-Ephesians 6:10-18

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths-Proverbs 3:5-6

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!-Psalm 27:14

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him-Lamentations 3:25

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you-Deuteronomy 31:6


Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!-Psalm 31:24


My Soul Finds Rest Psalm 62
Stuart Townend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmx9p6vAL1g

My soul finds rest in God alone,
My Rock and my salvation,
A fortress strong against my foes,
And I will not be shaken.
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse,
And lies like arrows pierce me,
I’ll fix my heart on righteousness,
I’ll look to Him who hears me.
O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward;
Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God.
Find rest, my soul, in God alone
Amid the world’s temptations;
When evil seeks to take a hold I’ll cling to my salvation.
Though riches come and riches go,
Don’t set your heart upon them;
The fields of hope in which I sow Are harvested in heaven.
O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward;
Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God.
I’ll set my gaze on God alone, And trust in Him completely;
With every day pour out my soul, And He will prove His mercy.
Though life is but a fleeting breath, A sigh too brief to measure,
My King has crushed the curse of death And I am His forever.