A Vacation From My Problems

One of the aspects of being single is that I can do anything I want. This freedom allows for some spontaneity in my life. Take yesterday for example, my nephew Judah was given some quarters and he was jonesin' to buy a donut. After work that day, I took my nephews and niece to the donut shop. Earlier this week, I was in a counseling session (I was counseling) that took an unusual three hours. Two days before, I went to the gym for just under two hours and arrived home after dinner time.

To me, my most precious commodity is time. Money is not a precious commodity because if I don't have time to spend it, what is precious about it? As a kid, I remember hearing some celebrity (Sylvester Stallone comes to mind but I'm not sure if it was him) say that he didn't really have time to enjoy his money because he was always working. Additionally, it's not as if I'm making money hand over fist to enjoy its benefits. However, when I have time, I try to make the most of it or I soak it up with the things I want to do-like, reading.

Working overtime every day, plus teaching at LMC, being involved in church ministries, staying in touch with family, the day-to-day routines, etc. can eat up any time for relaxing and sometimes resting. The busyness some days make me want to scream, "Am I ever going to get a break?!" Okay, okay maybe scream is an exaggeration and a bit dramatic.

It seems that in the last 15 years, a new phrase was invented, "Me Time". The meaning of this phrase is self-explanitory. I've heard it used within the Christian and secular setting as if it's a personal right. This concept is really a focus on self, but there is this assumption that we've been doing everything for everyone else and finally, just once, we just need to indulge in tending to our needs-desires, really. "I just need a break" is another euphemism for "Me Time". This may sound harsh, but it isn't a biblical mindset.

I'm not denying that there are times when rest is needed in our lives. After all, God rested on the seventh day, right? Wrong. I mean, He did rest, but that we should rest on the seventh day is a fallacy. I need to keep in mind that that seventh day is a day that is holy, set apart. Just as the Lord took great joy in His creation on the seventh day, we too are to marvel at His holiness. The seventh day is about Him, not us. So, if we are working on the seventh day, we are to do it for His glory-it's an act of worship.

A friend once told me, that our goal here on earth, is not to stop working, true rest isn't found here on earth. Our mantra shouldn't be the same as Bill Murray's (from the movie,"What About Bob?"):"I'm taking a vacation from my problems..." Instead, we should be invested in doing the work of the Lord, and if it means working hard to the bone with barely a break, then God will have to give us the strength to do it.

Having freedom and some time is a perk of the single person's life. There have been times where I wouldn't mind experiencing a "Freaky Friday"* moment with my sister (well, maybe not the number of kids so close in age) and have the life of a mom and enjoy marriage. However, God has richly blessed me with freedom and the freedom in however I use my time.

Sometimes, I struggle with remembering that my precious commodity is not my own-it never was in the first place. The gift of freedom and time is a gift from the Lord. Instead of saying, "Oh, I need some time to myself" or "Oh, I just need a break", the neon sign in my head should be blinking, "Worship" and "Thanksgiving".

The Lord knows all of our needs, He gives and takes away. Our job is to glorify Him in everything we do and wherever we are (theoretically and physically), use our resources in a way that honors Him and remember that once again it's all about Him (why is this so hard to do??)-that's why we exist in the first place.

Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. Psalm 121:4

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20


Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:4-8

*Freaky Friday is a movie that is about a mom and daughter switching places for a day.

I am Wonder Woman, Hear Me Roar?

The beginning of this week was pretty discouraging. Nothing unusual or terrible happened, but I started my week fatigued which certainly didn't help. My allergies, work, the fact that I'm behind in correcting papers, my counseling session, lack of time to go the gym and lack of energy each morning was the cumulative weight that was enough to break the camel's back.

The allergies have been horrendous for the last four weeks-I take five medications to tame them. My students have been negligent in completing their work on time and make no excuses for it. I was away in Colorado and am now trying to catch up to the Hansel and Gretal paper trail of school work that could probably wrap around my portable five times. The young woman I am counseling seems to be stagnant in our counseling sessions which makes me wonder if I am even cut out to counsel. Then of course there's the lack of energy and time to do anything outside of work. Maybe it's the month of May and this is typical when the end of the school year is near. Or maybe I was just discouraged.

Now, if I were married, I think my first inclination would be to talk to my husband and tell him all about my feelings. I'd crave his comfort and wisdom probably before going to the Lord. He'd reassure me that everything would be okay, that these issues are magnified when we're exhausted, that I'm beautiful and that I'm adequate in everything I do, etc. It sure would be nice to have someone hide me under his wings and for him to be my personal advocate. Due to God's sovereignty, I do not have a husband and so, we leave "Door #1" closed-slammed shut without a key.

When I become downtrodden, my first inclination is get sucked into the hopelessness of it all. My demeanor changes and I feel drawn to somberness. I could be totally wrong here, but sometimes my body seems to mimic my emotions. It's as if I become more tired when I'm having a dismal day. I even want to bury myself into a hole or in my case, my classroom. If burying myself or wallowing in my misery doesn't help, I may resort to calling someone and get some sympathy from them. Unfortunately, it was a bit early to call (that day) and I don't want to burden that person. Lastly, I'll pray. It's not that I'm cutting myself off from having conversations with the Lord, but I can assure you that they're centered on me- not too much praising Him or beseeching Him for others' trials.

Wednesdays are always difficult for me because I work at Los Medanos College teaching a three-hour class after working with the high school students at Granada. This includes driving 32 miles to work in Livermore in the morning, 45 miles to Pittsburg after school and then another 20 miles home from LMC-it makes for a long day. On Wednesday, I was feeling pretty low in the morning when I arrived to school and before school started, I wrote in my prayer journal for ten minutes. I usually pray A.C.T.S. (adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication) to help keep my mind focused on Him. However, I didn't bother with A.C.T.S. that day as I was feeling an overwhelming sense of despair (and it was about me, after all), I just started writing about all of my hopelessness to the Lord. At the end, I even prayed to the Lord and asked Him for a little encouragement in some way. I then started work and went on with my day.

Did I biblically deal with my despair? I beseeched the Lord on my own behalf but I didn't take my thoughts captive right away. I didn't dwell on things that were noble, praiseworthy or even true. As I reflect on last Wednesday, I should've done this, and I should've done that, but I chose to "relish" in my sorrows for a bit. Why do I do this? Why didn't I just put on the full armor of God and snap out of it right away? Well,for one, I'm a sinner and Romans 7 speaks about our struggle with being in the flesh and doing what we don't want to do. Also, it didn't help to be so fatigued as my weaknesses that day were a Pixieland for Satan. He didn't mind that I was feeling inadequate about counseling or teaching-quitting is the only answer for getting rid of the inadequacy, right???!

If I had looked at what was true that morning, I wouldn't have felt so discouraged. What was true was that yes, I have stinkin' rotten allergies but it's not the end of the world. I at least have prescriptions that aid in relief while some don't even have benefits. It's not my issue if my students want to flake out on a project, my job is to do my best for the Lord and for my boss. Counseling someone does not mean that I can change their heart-that's God's job (who do I think I am? Lynda Carter for crying out loud?!!!) In regards to grading the reams of paper, the Lord is my strength and I can do all things through Him. For the lack of time, my job is to make the most out of my time by doing my best and bringing glory to Him. So easy when you are not in the midst of feeling hopelessness-that's why hindsight is 20/20. By the way, the Lord prompted a friend to randomly text me that afternoon with a kind word-His grace lavishly bestowed on me when I don't/didn't deserve it.

The next time I succumb to feeling discouraged, I need to STOP,FREEZE-reminds me of the game I played as a kid, "Freeze Tag". I MUST re-focus on Philippians 4:8 and then I MUST put it into practice and put on that full armor of God. I don't need a husband to be my shield or to hide me under his wings (it would definitely be nice) or even a friend to be a bullet-proof vest for me, my hope must be found in the Lord. My "Door #1" should be the Lord. After all, He is immortal,
just, compassionate, omniscient, comforting and wise, what else do I need? Not a husband.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

It's a Hard Knock Life

As a kid, I LOVED the movie "Annie" and yes, I even saw it in the theater when it came out. I was about five or six and I remember tearing up at some parts-maybe it was the "I love you, Daddy Warbucks" or it was the part where Annie was given a brand new necklace from Daddy Warbucks or maybe it was the happy ending of an orphan that gave me some kind of hope for her. "Annie" was my first exposure to the term, orphan.

Later on in life, my "Poppa" (maternal grandfather) would tell us vibrant stories of his life and the ones that were most fascinating were about his time with his brother and sister in the orphanages in New York. These stories actually confirmed what the orphans in "Annie" faced each day but my grandfather, great aunt and uncle were ruled by a housekeeper/director that made Miss Hannigan look like Mary Poppins. The kids in the orphanage weren't allowed to speak at meals, my great uncle got locked in a closet if he wet the bed, the kids were spanked and often sent to bed without dinner, etc. The environment wasn't a safe and loving environment-obviously.

This week I was thinking about the fact that I'm going to be 34 this month and wow, I still don't have kids. I never thought I would be this old without a first child. My mom had her first (me) at 20 (three months shy of her 21st birthday)and by 34, she had eight kids. If it were my choice, I would start having kids in my early twenties as well. However, I know that God is in control of everything-even my biological clock.

So, this of course brings me to the topic of adoption as a single parent. Adoption has become more prevalent in recent years, not just among Christians but in the secular world as well. Additionally, there are more Christian singles opting to adopt.

I often wondered if adoption as a single person is most pleasing to the Lord. My first thoughts curdle at the idea because the Lord's model of a nuclear family contains a mother and a father. If I adopted, who would be my model father for my child? I really wouldn't want my dad to fulfill this role because I'd want him to be a grandfather to my son or daughter. I was reminded after taking care of nine kids this week that not only does it help when there are two people to support each other, the kids also have their individual needs met by each parent.

Another reason that I shy at adoption (as a single person) is that I wonder if I could provide the best, most stable household when I'm at work all day while they are in some kind of daycare. I'm exhausted when I'm finished with work but what about nurturing and raising a child after work? How could I do it? I've also considered my heart, maybe I'm too selfish to adopt because it would really eat into my own precious time.

Someone once told me that they thought that I (as a single person) shouldn't adopt and that I should consider my students as my own kids. Well, at this point, I call them my kids but not to the point where I can raise them in the way they should go. Adoption is a bit different because you're seeing them each day, disciplining, influencing and shaping their lives from when they wake up to when they go to bed.

Over the course of a few years, my thoughts on adoption as a single person have changed and as of this week, my stance on adoption has solidified. Before I explain my reasons, I need to explain what prompted the change of mind. As I stated earlier, I took care of nine kids this week. Four of those nine kids have been adopted from all over the world. My sister adopted a little boy last year as well. All four of the kids that I took care of came from poor countries where hot water was a luxury and my nephew has medical needs that are better met in the U.S. The Lord calls us to care for the orphans and widows and obviously by doing this, we can take care of their physical needs. However, the thought was more clear to me this week that these children are in desperate need of a Savior-just like me. I love this quote from John Newton to William Jay, "My memory is nearly gone, but I remember two things: That I am a great sinner, and that Jesus Christ is a great Savior."

I know that ideally it is beneficial to have a complete family with both parents but is it more valuable than leading a little one to Christ even if you're a single parent of an adopted child? To me, it is not. I can only justify my reasoning because I would like to be able to spread the Gospel any way that I can and win others for Christ.

Right now, I'm not rushing into adopting as a single parent, but I also want to be open to this option if the Lord should desire it for me. I take comfort in the fact that God is sovereign and no one will thwart His plan for any of His children-orphans or not. If I felt called to adopt at this point in my life, I know that the Lord would take care of that child's needs and of course, He would be their Abba Father.

So,for the time being, I'll stick to taking care of widows.


For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”-Romans 8:15

Ha, Ha-That Steve Carrell Guy is Really Funny in that Movie

I find it interesting to be a Christian in this depraved world. Maybe "interesting" is not the word-probably sometimes the word "shame" or "embarrassment" creeps into my mind. I'm not ashamed nor embarrassed to be a Christian, but it's the lack of experience that can be a bit embarrassing.

Let me explain. I'm a high school teacher, and some of the topics or euphemisms that my students throw into their everyday conversations leave me clueless. I may act as if I know what they're talking about, give them a disapproving look and then once class is over, race to the computer to "Google" their language.

In the high school classroom, I'm really good at playing it off that I know exactly what they are talking about. In reality though, I've not a clue. As a Christian woman, I've remained pure and at nearly 34 years old (this month), the world would probably mock and say something like, "Oh look, it's the 34 year-old virgin!" Six years ago, Hollywood made a movie about it- "The 40 year-old Virgin" and it was supposed to be a comedy. I never saw the movie, but I know for a fact that it didn't laud this man for his abstinence.

Recently, I went to the doctor and I told her that it wasn't necessary to check for cervical cancer because I've never been sexually active. She agreed, but explained that it's a standard procedure because it is assumed that women my age are all sexually active. 60 years ago, a woman would go to the doctor right before she got married to be examined and if she was 44, it was not so unusual to be a virgin.
I remember feeling like an idiot, like a little kid and couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking when I told her.

Once again, I was reminded of my singleness and thought, "I'm 34 and I haven't even kissed a man." I'm not ashamed to admit this, but for a fleeting moment (okay, like 36 hours), I allowed myself to care more of what the doctor thought of me than what God thinks of me. I also allowed myself to become ungrateful for the place that the Lord has me. I became engrossed in how I felt and probably was blinded to others' needs.

Why is it that the Lord has such a stronghold of my heart? I sat in church today, listening intently at the sermon, was convicted and applied it personally. I can't ever go on and be discontent or discouraged for as long as I want-God always brings me back to Him. :) That, in itself, is such a testament to God's ever-faithful work in my life and to His love for me.

My life, my lack of experience, my whatever, is ultimately for Him. If I am to remain an "old maid" (although 60 is the new 40 nowadays :)) forever, I'd rather be pure than to have guilt and shame. My witness for Him is a better testimony than living my life my own way.

I've had students in the past ask me privately about my relationships with men and while some ask because they are only curious, some take it to heart that I've remained pure for a reason. I've explained to them that this is what the Lord desires and as a result, an honest and mature discussion ensues from these questions. Last year, I explained this all to a student and she said, "That really makes sense. When I have kids, I really want to teach them the same thing".

Where I am in life, and what I do for a living is an opportunity to share the Gospel.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who livesin me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

And once again, it's not about me.