Great Expectations

Before I graduated high school, I kind of had my plans laid out in my head. I thought that once I turned 18, I would get married and start a family before 20 like my mom. Of course I didn't put much thought to how I was going to find a man but I figured that it would work out somehow. I had no desire to go to college because I was going to be a mom. When my expectations weren't exactly fulfilled, I "took-up" college and decided to go that route thinking that I would for sure have my first child by 25. That didn't happen.

The truth of the matter is that I'm not even close to being married and I'm 31 now. What went wrong? It's not like I strayed from the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart, why am I still single? How come my younger sister and two brothers got married and I've been on a dating dryspell for two years? These are obvious questions that I cannot answer. If I ponder them long enough, I may start to get discouraged which is totally normal. I try not to go there because it can turn into a downward spiral of discouragement to a pity party to anger and blame. The blame is usually on the Lord.

As I've matured, I have less of these "downward spirals" because I've changed my attitude. Getting married was kind of an idol in my 20s. I so wanted to be married. I would see couples at church or watch romantic comedies or even my own parents be in love and think, "If only that were me..."

My attitude was changed nearly four years ago. It was the day before Thanksgiving and I was sitting in my classroom with a student who was having her usual migraine of the day. Her migraines were worsening and she asked if she could stay in my class and sit in the corner behind my desk and sleep. I told her that she needed to call her dad and get his permission to do that. I encouraged her to go home, but she refused with the thought that she could sleep it off during one class, not to mention that she couldn't drive home with her double vision. I ate my lunch while she still slept behind my desk. I tried to wake her up and offered her some of my lunch but she was way too sleepy. I let her be and taught my last class of the day. After class, I again tried to wake her up but she was still sleepy. I graded and corrected papers while she snoozed. I started to become concerned when she was trying to say something to me but couldn't. Her words were all garbled and incohesive. I called the school nurse to come check her out and we both decided to call her mom. We couldn't get a hold of her mom or dad but her grandpa came to the school and was startled by the incident. By the time her mom came to the school, school was over and students were exuberantly going home (the next two days without school-woohoo!) while we tried to talk to my student who was not making sense. I was nervous inside but her mom was visibly shaken up and I suggested taking her to the hospital. I decided to go along to be of help. As we drove in the car, I prayed aloud for her. When we got to the E.R., they took her vitals and then they wanted to put a catheter in her. My student was becoming agitated and I offered to help comfort her. Soon, her other family members started to arrive as doctors started examining her. I decided that I should leave and go home since it was past dinner time and I wanted to go to the Thanksgiving service at church.

Our pastor spoke about being thankful of course but he shared a story that touched my heart like no other. He told us of Corrie Ten Boom when she was at the concentration camps during the Holocaust. Corrie could deal with starvation and the work and the torture as a prisoner but could not be thankful for the lice that infested her and the prisoners' bodies and their barracks. She then realized that she could freely conduct Bible studies in the barracks because the guards didn't want anything to do with lice. She found a reason to be thankful for the lice.

On my way home from church, I called my student's parents to find out how she was doing. Everything was okay, the tests were all normal- it turned out that she was in a deep sleep and was sleep talking/walking. Talk about trippy.

On Thanksgiving morning, I went for a jog (yuck, but I knew I was going to eat more than usual) and all of a sudden, I had this epiphany: If I was married, I couldn't be involved in my students' lives like I am. There would be no way that I would be able to just go at the drop of a hat to the hospital with a student because of my marital responsibilities. As I jogged home, I thanked the Lord for my singleness and freedom to serve Him. It was the most sincere thankfulness for being single that I had ever had.

So, instead of wallowing in this phase or lifetime commitment of singlehood, I've decided to make the most of it to serve in ways that other married folk can't. Boy, it's been pretty cool to hang out with an 82 year old at 11 p.m. on a weekday because hey, I can!

All throughout life we have these expectations for ourselves and we think that they are found in God's will. Sometimes they are but many times they aren't. I still want to be married and have kids but I trust that the Lord's plan for my life is better than I could imagine. He knows what's up. I now realize that my responsibilities lie in trying to bring him glory throughout all areas of my life-even if it's in an awkward place such as being single. I mean awkward because it's not always easy going alone somewhere especially in a couples-oriented place. However, this is the Lord molding me into His image and these trials will make me draw closer to Him.